The Return of the Commishicorn

It’s been a long wait for Riff Raff fans wondering what’s happening in GMRRFFA, mostly due to a self-imposed hiatus by your Commish, who spent most of the past few weeks frustrated with every owner not named Smeet in some form or another. This league is a lot of work, which I know our non-owners appreciate.

That said, the Unicorn remained positive, encouraging yours truly to ignore many of the haters (including himself) and “just do you.” It was heart-warming and very reminiscent of some of my favorite “Greats make a Comeback” stories…

So, your award-winning Commish is back with none other than the Unicorn for our second Commishicorn mash-up on the 2019 GMRRFFA season. You’ve missed a lot, but a quick recap since you last heard from us:

  • The Sausage King is really good

  • Your Commissioner is no longer crying in a corner over Saquon Barkley’s injury

  • Smeet gonna Smeet

  • Smeet, Fredo, and Stabs all had babies and haven’t mentioned any of them in six weeks of Boy Chat

  • Makese still kept a kicker ahead of the 2017 season

  • Coop’s riding an eight-game winning streak

  • Smeet’s riding a seven-game losing streak

  • Garcia has made more than 85 transactions this season, none of which actually, maybe improved his team

  • As far as we know, the State of Maryland still hasn’t taken Mark Hutchinson’s kids

  • Overconfident-in-fantasy-football Toby Kobach is the actual worst Toby we know

Ok, that was a lot, but with two weeks to go, let’s catch up on the outstanding questions roiling GMRRFFA today...

With two weeks to go, Fredo is one of four teams at 5-6. His history of avoiding the playoffs like a case of herpes aside, Mr. Maisel faces the Commish and Coop respectively. How nervous should he be to miss the playoffs for the fourth year in a row?

Commish’s Instant Take:

I candidly don’t know what’s happening with Fredo’s squad, but I DO know his anxiety is driving him to hate fantasy football, which means he’s fully embraced the game and, by default, GMRRFFA. Considering he’s one of four teams at five wins and currently the seventh seed out of eight, you’d think that he could be okay, but his remaining schedule is brutal. He faces the Commish in a Week 12 match-up, but he gets the surging Coop in Week 13, who could be on a nine-game winning streak heading into the final week of the regular season.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but check in on Fredo after his disastrous Week 11, inquiring as to whether his beautiful newborn or GMRRFFA was giving him more anxiety these past few days. He responded that it was the league, which delighted me to no end. Given my season to date, I predict Fredo crushes me this week with 30-point games from Kupp, James White, and the Pats’ D, securing a playoff spot, but his anxiety-ridden roller coaster this season suggests he should be consuming more CBD jelly beans courtesy of GMRRFFA’s first official sponsor, Welly Jellies.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

I think Matty Ice is going to live up to his name and break that dry spell like me losing my virginity in the last month of high school (fun fact, my first time was on a water bed and I’ve never been in a water bed since). Even with tough matchups against the Commish and Coop on deck, he’s fielding a solid roster and several of his players have shown they can explode for 40 points in any given week.

If Cooper Kupp hadn’t disappeared over the last two weeks, we could be talking about a 7-4 team with momentum heading into the playoffs. That said, why in the hell is Fredo carrying three tight ends?

The Sausage King is 10-1 and .3 points away from being undefeated. Are the Vienna Sausages the most dominant team ever in GMRRFFA, or are they about to unexpectedly lose like Napoleon at Waterloo?

Commish’s Instant Take:

At the onset of the 2019 season, your Commish was stoked to make our Week 13 regular season finale a battle of the titans. Now? No, I‘m concerned that facing the Sausage King next week will cost me a playoff spot. That said, the SK’s squad is on an unbelievable tear, winning 15 of 16 games since Week 11 of 2018, and that lone loss was a .3 defeat at the hands of Toby Kobach. It’s pretty incredible given the league’s history of parity that the SK is the first team to win ten games in a 13-game regular season ever, with two to spare. Are the Vienna Sausages the best team in GMRRFFA history? Yes, unequivocally.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

I’ve said it multiple times on Boy Chat, but the Sausage King’s squad is looking like the Death Star, just waiting to blow up star cruisers and planets without even trying. Adding Zeke and Lockett to CMC and Kelce give him one of the highest floors in any week - let’s call it 70 points to be safe - and nearly every one of his core players are capable of monster weeks at any given time. Plus, he somehow unlocked the Zero QB strategy this year, pulling Josh Allen and Tanne-Thrill out of his ass. I think this is SK’s year to lose, and I think we get our first repeat champion. Gotta keep that Champions Locker Room roster tight, ya heard?

Who is the biggest waiver wire surprise of 2019 in GMRRFFA?

Commish’s Instant Take:

The Pats’ D is the lazy hot take, but they’re impressive. That said, your Commish knows you deserve better. Since its waiver-specific, I’ll surprise some and go Darius Slayton from the Giants. His numbers don’t jump out (he’s only the 46th overall wide receiver in GMRRFFA), but he’s been impressive in a dismal Giants’ offense, averaging north of 12 points this season, including a few spectacular games.

What’s more? He’s carrying a craptacular wide receiver corps for the surprising 9-2 Stabs, especially given how poorly the Brandin Coooks and Will Fuller experiments turned out. Of course, Stabs has him benched this week against Coop in a critical match-up (the winner secures the third seed and likely avoids the Sausage King in the playoffs until the championship), which makes sense given Stabs’ roster management, but oh well. In any case, Slayton’s a $12 keeper next year, so yea...

Dip In The Dead Sea:

The easy answer is the Patriots defense, who Mark rode early and then shipped off to Fredo for Julio and a profit, but they seem to be a first half flash and they might not technically be eligible since Fredo drafted them then dropped them (uhhh, how did we not #neverforget about this move) before Mark claimed them.

So I’m going to go with Fredo claiming DJ Chark (do do do do doo), who not only looks like a stud this year, but could be a building block keeper for the next two years. Fredo came in second on the Zekestakes with Chark, and I may wind up regretting that move.

What was the most egregious trade of the season?

Commish’s Instant Take:

Aside from basically every lopsided trade Garcia made ultimately benefiting the opposing team, your Commish would really like to remind you (in case you’ve forgotten) that I sent $50 draft dollars to Carlos for Duke Johnson. It’s a stain on my season akin to everything Smeet did this year to smear his own team’s chances. I need to move on. I’m not reading the Unicorn’s comments before I type, so hopefully he’ll find something else and I can forget that fateful desperate September day…

Dip In The Dead Sea:

There’s a couple big ones here: Garcia trading Tyler Lockett to me for $20 draft dollars before the season started, Garcia trading Chris Godwin to the Sausage King for Ronald Jones, Smeet trading Julian Edelman to Jon for Carson Wentz...but I gotta say Smeet PAYING the Commish to take Tyler Boyd is still the most egregious trade. Even though Boyd has had a down year compared to expectations, that trade was astounding. (Commissioner’s Note: Oh my god, these trades are abhorrent… forget Duke for cash, these deals should be deemed collusion in GMRRFFA)

Eleven weeks in, who was the worst 2019 keeper?

Commish’s Instant Take:

This is a tasty one! With no kickers kept this season, your Commish actually had to review August keepers, and I could judge virtually every running back who didn’t pan out (Gurley and DJ and Le’Veon Bell and Saquon) but at the time they all made sense.

That said, can we go back to Stabs? He kept Tarik Cohen in August for $39 dollars!!!! At the time, Cohen was part of a three-man backfield after the Bears drafted David Montgomery and signed Mike Davis, so right off the bat his choice was almost laughable. It was clear Cohen wouldn’t be the featured back in Chicago, ultimately capping his potential. Couple the $39 keeper amount (look at players kept for cheaper costs), the choice was as curious then as it is now. Ranked 36th among running backs, Cohen’s a low-floor RB2 and only posted four double digit games this season. In the ten weeks on Stabs’ roster, Cohen was only in the starting line-up six times before ultimately getting traded for $5 draft dollars. The Cohen keeper could ultimately be the biggest reason Stabs struggles in the playoffs, lacking a premiere third keeper from the onset of the season.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

You could make the case for FIL keeping Todd Gurley for $78 or Toby keeping TY Hilton for $66, but it’s gotta be Fredo keeping David Johnson for $142 - the most anyone paid for any RB but only returning the 18th-highest RB scorer to date this season That price now seems insanely absurd considering how many games DJ missed and how the Cardinals are now starting Kenyan Drake.

How are you handicapping the LB6?

Commish’s Instant Take:

Right off the bat, your Commish isn’t buying Makese or Smeet as legit contenders, neither of which really score in any consistent fashion to swipe a piece of the LB6 draft dollars.

My dark horse is actually Carlos. His roster is literal garbage but Daniel Jones in fantasy football scares me to death. Playing Carlos in Week 11, Jones was on a bye and no one on Carlos’ team scared me, yet I sweated through our match-up like Toby Kobach on a first date. Meanwhile, Carlos is 2-3 over his last five, but the margin of victory in those is just a smidge over six points. He’s feisty, and Carlos having $550-plus in draft dollars ahead of next year but accidentally missing the draft due to taking someone else’s kids to LegoLand (instead of his two nephews) would probably be my 2020 highlight of the year.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

So let’s assume the LB6 is Smeet, Makese, Tito Galen, Carlos, and me for now. Let’s add either Fredo, Garcia, or FIL depending on how the next two weeks shake out. Fredo gets The Commish and Coop, Garcia gets Toby and FIL, and FIL gets Tito Galen and Garcia. Since I already picked Fredo to make the playoffs, I’ll say Garcia drops to LB6 since he’s got the toughest remaining games.

I’ll bet Makese, Tito Galen, Garcia, and I make the second LB6 round since we have the four highest point totals to date and have the best shot to survive the jungle primary. Then who knows - it’ll all depend on who plays whom. I think Tito Galen, Garcia, and I have the best overall rosters from those four...but I’m secretly terrified of facing either of them.

Which 5-6 (or 4-7) team is going to sneak in as the 8th seed of the playoffs and have the best shot to go on a Cinderella run?

Commish’s Instant Take:

Your Commish edited this question to include 4-7 teams because I can (ed note: I responded when it was 5-6). more importantly because we need to throw Tito Galen in to the conversation. He’s 4-2 over his last six weeks after he seemingly tossed in the towel by trading George Kittle and Kenny Golloday back in October. Tito Galen has dropped a few impressive point totals over that span, including 162 points in Week 10. With two weeks remaining, he has winnable match-ups against FIL and Stabs, and more importantly, every year a mediocre team unfortunately makes the unexpected leap to the playoffs, including your Commish last season at 6-7. Stay tuned for Tito Galen’s brutal massacre at the hands of the Sausage King in three weeks.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

I’m all in on Fredo this year. He won’t win it all, of course, that honor will belong to the Sausage King. But I think Fredo sneaks in and upsets at least one team, depending on when he has to face the Vienna Sausages.

More pressing, how would you assess Fredo and Smeet handling their 2019 draft dollars and the subsequent season?

Commish’s Instant Take:

To be very clear, the LB6 and draft dollar experiment after one season is a success (ed. note: concur) ! My biggest fear regarding implementing these ideas last year was owners complaining competitors with big stacks of cash had an unfair advantage in the draft, causing a number of owners to complain and your Commish being required to overhaul these ideas. Fortunately for GMRRFFA, Smeet and Fredo have absolutely abused themselves to the point that we could argue those extra draft dollars led them both to make unfortunate keeper and draft choices.

That said, fantasy football is a fickle business. Fredo deserves an A even at 5-6 - your Commish endorsed most of his moves (except Bell as a $102 keeper) at the time, but it isn’t Fredo’s fault that the Rams don’t know how to play offensive football anymore or that the Chargers can’t decide between Melvin Gordon and Austin Ekler in any given week. His squad is the second-highest scoring team in the league, so how can we judge based squarely on his win/loss record?

As for Smeet, I’d actually give him a surprising C+. After three weeks, Keenan Allen was the top wide receiver in the league before life happened and he reverted to garbage. Even with question marks surrounding Cleveland’s offensive line in the off-season, no one could have predicted OBJ’s season with the Browns. Meanwhile, Smeet had Marlon Mack, Josh Jacobs, Zac Ertz, and an on-again off-again love affair with Tyler Boyd. That said, Smeet paid your Commish to trade Tyler Boyd back in August and then sent Ertz to get Boyd back when the Bengals were toast while Ertz averaged the highest targets per week of any tight end in the league. That coupled with his delayed decision to move OBJ before it was too late cost Smeet, but like in Fredo’s case, fantasy football is such a crap shoot that its not solely based on poor management..

Dip In The Dead Sea:

Give Fredo a B since he’s still in it despite way overpaying for DJ and Le’Veon Bell. As for sweet sweet Smeet, it’s gotta be a D+ at best. He’s lost seven in a row, is about to lose his eighth in a row, and could be like one of those rare monkeys only found in the Amazon - just getting torched in the jungle.

Which 2019 LB6 participants is best prepared for the 2020 season?

Commish’s Instant Take:

Only five owners currently have 2020 draft budgets above $300 but I’m shocked that most don’t have a number of legit keeper options at this point. That said, Smeet’s at $301 draft dollars, but his collection of options is impressive, including Alvin Kamara for $32, George Kittle for $20, and DK Metcalf for $16. Given his history, Smeet will undoubtedly screw it up and focus on writing again, but he currently has a strong foundation for 2020.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

I want to say Tito Galen since he’s stacked all that cash, but his keeper options aren’t great - Kyler Murray, Christian Kirk, Ronald Jones, Golden Tate, and Hunter Henry won’t terrify anyone. Makese is also in a great spot because he has the keeper of the year in Lamar Jackson and a big pile of cash, but no other legit keepers. So I guess I’ll vote for myself: I’ve got a pretty good draft warchest and I get to pick between Amari at $62, Connor at $30, Godwin at $22, or Waller at $19. I like those odds.

Was dropping Mark Andrews before Week One for an injured Trey Burton worth it?

Commish’s Instant Take:

The Unicorn’s decision to drop Andrews was the most telling pre-season sign that he was in for a rough year. Not only was it a poor personnel decision in the short-term especially since an already injured Burton was his choice, it also reflected that the Unicorn didn’t do a ton of research on players ahead of the season (ed note: wrong - my pre-draft research led me to wait on TE and target Andrews, that said I have no excuse for my post-draft moves) , which if you’ve read his articles isn’t much of a surprise (ed note: go sit on a tack). There had been a ton of hype for Andrews taking a leap and, through eleven weeks of the season, Andrews is the third ranked tight end in the league.

Yes, the Unicorn was fortunate to nab Darren Waller, BUT Andrews is a valuable asset. So much so that your Commish traded him for a top-eight running back (Chris Carson), which is a prized possession in fantasy football. After that Andrews decision, your Commish felt very comfortable knowing he’d win the high stakes bet between the two of us.

Dip In The Dead Sea:

It was the worst personnel decision of my fantasy football career. No it wasn’t fucking worth it.

Riff Raff

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