• THE COMMISH

The New Power Couple: Recapping Week One in GMRRFFA

The world-renowned Riff Raff Football weekly updates are back - every week, your award-winning Commish breaks down the week in action among GMRRFFA’s fiercest competitors while adding context to the GMRRFFA 2019 season..

After months of offseason analysis, Riff Raff Fantasy Football’s esteemed Commish was delighted to actually see on-field action, mostly to ridicule the owners he thought would be atrocious, like Makese and Fredo Maisel, among others. Oh wait, these guys dropped the two highest point totals this week? Are they again the Cinderellas of GMRRFFA, or are they now the teams to define the upcoming season? If week one is any indication, the Sausage King should hand the belt over now...

Meanwhile, as your Commish enjoys some humble pie while reliving his glorious week one victory, GMRRFFA fans should remember that week one of fantasy football is nothing short of unpredictable. This week, the highest scoring quarterback (Dak) was on the Dornish bench while two top-five scoring wide receivers were BOTH on Tito Galen’s bench and the third-highest scoring tight end was also benched. Meanwhile the third-highest scoring wide receiver is on waivers, as is the fifth highest scoring kicker (#kickersmatter).


Historically, GMRRFFA’s week one also hasn’t offered much in the way of predicting the rest of the season; last year, Makese and Fredo both won while Tito Galen lost and we ultimately know how that played out. That said, there’s still a few things we should be comforted by knowing stay the same…. First, Toby Kobach may have been the number one a-hole back in 2017, but he’s upgraded to a “Douche canoe” this week. Meanwhile, the saltiest man in the league kicked off 2019 exactly like he did in 2018.


Yes, while fantasy football continues to change, it’s those little things that keep GMRRFFA owners comforted, none more so than the quintessential GMRRFFA piece, our weekly recaps. While week one is always insane, your Commish never waivers from his responsibilities, and proudly drops his week one recap...


Smeet Bends to Tobese

Not to be outdone by the Commishicorn, Snuggles and Smeet, or the Morabitos, a new power couple jumped onto the scene in GMRRFFA this week. Its week one, yes, but who had a better week than the vacationing tandem of Toby Kobach, MD and Makese, both at the expense of GMRRFFA co-founder and part-owner and co-offseason MVP Smeet?


We're all asking why, Smeet

First, Smeet (and Fredo) foolishly took the Giants +7 against Dallas this week, which went awry very quickly Sunday afternoon, only to be concluded when Toby Kobach actually invoiced both during the game for the $20 owed. If this was simply a troll job, wow your Commish loved it. Unfortunately, it was just Toby’s accounting department getting ahead of itself, collecting debt asap at the risk of being labeled a “Douche canoe.” Needless to say, Smeet went to Twitter for a poll and some support for his outrage, but obviously that didn’t work (Twitter isn’t really known as a safe space, is it?). In any case, he allegedly paid the good doctor while suffering a bruised ego…only to come in to Monday night with an outside shot at Makese (more on him below).


Trailing by 14 heading into the late MNF (hey NFL, we got kids here on the East Coast!), Smeet definitely stayed up late to watch rookie Raider running back Josh Jacobs post an impressive 24 points, including a 13-yard scamper with one minute left in the game to seal an Oakland victory. Unfortunately, that means Smeet also saw the Phillip Lindsey 8-yard catch with 4:27 (1.8 points for those scoring at home) that ultimately sealed Makese’s week one victory over Smeet by just 1.6 points.


In GMRRFFA, every victory matters, especially when four or five teams battle late in the season for a playoff spot. Come November, Smeet will regret this night (and Sunday night).


(For what it’s worth, and I’ll include throughout the season in close match-ups, Makese’s kicker posted 17.5 compared to just five points for Smeet’s. #Kickersmatter)


Not Bad for a Running Back

Not sure Makese stayed up all night to watch the conclusion of the Broncos-Raiders, but lost in the Douche Canoe controversy was Makese’s Lamar Jackson blasting the Dolphins JV squad Sunday afternoon (17 for 20, 324 yards and 86 touchdowns for 45 points!), the best performance for anyone starting in GMRRFFA this week not named Sammy Watkins! Just an absolutely stellar performance (and John Harbaugh keeping the pedal down was A+). Yes, week one is not much of a sample size, but Jackson faces Arizona next week (Detroit posted 361 passing yards and three touchdowns against the Cardinals last week), the Chiefs in week three (rookie quarterback Gardner Minishew posted 275 yards and two touchdowns in Jacksonville), and the Browns in week four (who gave up 200 yards and three touchdowns to Marcus friggin’ Mariota).


Ultimately, the L train is running, and tickets are limited so hit Makese up as he runs rampant early on this season, particularly against the Commish in week two.


Frontrunner?

Forget everything your Commish said last week, Fredo Maisel needs to be considered a favorite in GMRRFFA this season despite an atrocious 14-27 career record in GMRRFFA and zero postseason berths. In week one, Fredo posted a league-high 164 points despite his two wide receivers posting a combined 10.6 points. If nothing else, offseason concerns surrounding Le’Veon Bell and David Johnson can be put to rest as they combined for 49 points, third best among GMRRFFA running back tandem totals behind only Smeet and the Sausage King.


While it may be unlikely Evan Engram posts 30 points every week, Fredo has horses to compete, and faces Mark Hutchinson and Tito Galen in weeks two and three, worth mentioning because neither eclipsed 100 points in week one. Your Commish is secretly excited to see whether Fredo benches Stefon Diggs or Mike Williams next week for Tyrell Williams, a move Fredo will likely regret...


Dead Sea Seems Appropriate

Sometimes, your Commish secretly believes the Unicorn performs poorly just for weekly content. First, let’s never forget he dropped Mark Andrews instead of an injured Trey Burton ahead of week one to play the Cowboys’ defense. To no one’s surprise, he subsequently panicked as Burton would be locked on Thursday night without an “Out” designation.

By the close of week one, for the third year in a row, the Unicorn starts the season with a horrendous loss, this time to Toby Kobach, whose 113 points was the lowest point total for a week one winner (by nearly 17 points) as the Unicorn posted a league-worse 89 points. His roster was beleaguered by disappointing performances, Baker posting a paltry 11 points and David Montgomery’s no-show five points, but the Tevin Coleman injury (ed: he had seven points through a quarter) was icing on the cake, given the Unicorn’s Coleman vs Breida bet. In fact, only Cowboys wide receiver Amari “Plantar Fasciitis” Cooper (ed: I forget, what was the Commish’s position on Cooper’s outlook coming into the season?) posted more than 13 points for the week.

The Unicorn is fortunate he doesn’t face any juggernauts in the next two weeks - Coop and Carlos - but given GMRRFFA postseason competition, he needs wins in the next two weeks.


Broken Tito

Speaking of tough outings, Tito Galen probably had the third-worst week one of anyone in GMRRFFA (Smeet and the Unicorn are top two). Forget the Mark Andrews performance (even if the Commish didn’t have him, TJ Hockenson would be the starter), Tito Galen’s hopes were dashed early with the Joe Mixon injury plus Derrius Guice not doing much in the second half (and now being injured).


Let’s also not fault Tito Galen for keeping DeSean Jackson (37 points) or Marquise Brown (32 points) on the bench as your Commish wouldn’t second guess those moves. Perhaps the only misses Tito Galen made as he prepped for Disney World were the Jaguars Defense starting against Kansas City (negative 14 points) and maybe starting Aaron Rodgers against Chicago over Kyler Murray.


Given his running back situation, Tito Galen may have a tough few weeks - Derrick Henry had a fantastic week, but he also broke his lone reception for a 75-yard touchdown which seems unlikely again. Guice is out for a few weeks and Mixon is day-to-day, so the once-and-future-presumptive-champ will likely have to choose between Royce Freeman, LeSean McCoy, or Justin Jackson, none of which are terribly appealing, especially with the Sausage King and Fredo Maisel looming in the next two weeks.


A Few Other Flyers

Watching the MNF Texans-Saints game, your Commish thoroughly enjoyed watching Nuk and MT playing every series… FIL’s algorithm posted the fourth-highest score of the week which makes his week one 12-point win over Coop that much more entertaining… aside from the Unicorn, did anyone else have a more disappointing on-field performance than Mark Hutchinson? Beyond his running backs (Kamara, Ingram, Duke Johnson), the entire roster under-performed, especially Cam Newton’s AIDS shoulder… finally, Stabs dropped 139 in his win, despite Devonta Freeman and Brandon Cooks posting ten points total.


Looking Ahead

Your Commish touched on a lot of the week two match-ups above, but the only match-up of undefeated squads is Makese versus your esteemed, award-winning Commissioner, who is certainly prepared to take the L. That said, Saquon Barkely touched the ball just 15 times in week one, seven fewer touches than his 2018 average, and still dropped 20 points. Your Commish is excited to have a legit RB 1 plus Ito Smith, who is a RB 4 (ed: *is* he though?) on a good day.


Your Commish is also excited to see Stabs face off with the Purveyor of Death, who dropped the second-highest point total among losing teams last week. Its an intriguing match-up and could be a major step forward for a potential Stabs-Mahomes-Chubb breakout season.


Finally, there’s two rivalry match-ups this week; notably, the Fillipino phenom Tito Galen squares off against corporate wolf in sheep’s clothes and reigning GMRRFFA champ, the Sausage King. Meanwhile, given Carlos’ rough draft, the Morabito Family Rivalry with FIL doesn’t seem so enthralling, but these guys finished third and fourth last year, which is just filler to add some context to an otherwise easy W for FIL’s algorithm.

Responsibilities fulfilled, your Commish is now going about writing a thank you card to send the Unicorn for dropping Mark Andrews (ed: you sonofabitch). #Neverforget

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