• THE COMMISH

The Dead Sea: Last-Minute Fantasy Football Prop Bets

Your esteemed Commish isn’t sure there are any lonelier places than the Dead Sea, located in the soul of GMRRFFA’s Unicorn, who spends countless hours toiling away on ill-advised personnel decisions and regrettable fantasy football bets, like betting the Commish a hundo on who has a better season. Speaking of gambling, the Unicorn drops his inaugural solo endeavor of the Dead Sea, where he makes calculated fantasy football decisions with minimal (ed: “minimal” is generous) amounts of research....

Welcome back to the Dead Sea, where the only thing saltier than the water is your faithful columnist. Without time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and an actual editorial calendar unlike the Sausage King, I’m left with salt and complaints about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.

This week we’ll tackle some of the hottest debates roiling Boy Chat. Bad waiver claims? We got you! Rookie debates? They’re here! Regressions of formerly elite players? You’ve come to the right place.


And to avoid any suggestion of unfair influence over the hotter-than-hot GMRRFFA prop bet market, we’ve enlisted the help of the smartest opinion leaders who have enough time to answer the Commish’s poll requests - Twitter users.


San Francisco’s Crowded Backfield

Who will have more total fantasy points at the end of 2019, Matt Breida or Tevin Coleman? Borne of a side bet between the Unicorn and Sausage King, this question hinges if Breida’s oft-injured status allows TeCo’s plodding output to secure more points.


Salty Sweetness: Breida misses at least four games while TeCo steadily contributes yardage, receptions, and TDs - leaving yours truly $50 richer.


Twitter poll results:


Carolina’s WR Corps

Who will benefit the most from whatever Cam’s Shoulder AIDS allows, DJ Moore or Curtis Samuel? DJ was the splashy rookie last year while Samuel had the flashy training camp.


Salty Sweetness: Whatever, it’s only a matter of time until Cam once again falls apart. Maybe CMC can also play QB. Samuel breaks out and leaves DJ in the dust.


Twitter poll results:


Most Likely Big Three TE to Regress:

No, we’re not talking about The Battle of Man-asses Three (the one where everyone came and nobody won), we’re talking about the unavoidable decline of last year’s Big Three tight ends. So which one will leave their owners crying, longing for a tight end who can suck up balls and take a pounding all year?


Salty Sweetness: Ertz takes a huge step back this year, and it’s not even close. Philly has far too many WRs, middling RBs, and other ascendant TEs to maintain last year’s output.


Twitter poll results:


#Neverforget the Commish Picking up a Top-12 TE

Speaking of under-performing TEs, time to weigh in the Commish’s endless braying about picking up Mark Andrews after yours truly dropped him in favor of Trey Burton for a Squirtin.


Salty Sweetness: Sure, Andrews has huge upside, but he also has a ton of competition for a limited number of targets in Baltimore. Yes, Andrews is probably a top-10 TE this year. But you know who was a top-10 TE last year? Burton. After the Big Three, being a top-10 TE really isn’t a difference maker, so who cares. This is like winning an ass-kicking contest among a bunch of one-legged people.

Twitter poll results:


Rookie RB Breakout

Somehow a grand total of NONE of the Commish’s current rookie RB crop makes this list, despite daily claims that he’s got the second coming of Christ on his roster. And after Smeet somehow PAID to give Boyd away to the Commish, he’s got a lot riding on this bet with two of the four options.


Salty Sweetness: Montgomery breaks out as the bellcow in Chicago, leaving Stabs crying about last year’s WR1 output from Cohen, and Mike Davis wishing he’d stayed in Seattle.


Twitter poll results:


Kansas City’s Walrus Whisperer

Originally a debate over which KC RB would have more touches at the end of 2019 between 2018 breakout Damien Williams and 2019 star-in-waiting (at least if you listen to the Commish) Darwin Thompson, this bet was blown up by Shady McCoy bringing his 1.5 YPC to Arrowhead.


Salty Sweetness: I know Andy Reid always has one feature back, but this backfield looks messier than Smeet’s after he plays small spoon to Hutchinson. I honestly have no clue and don’t really care who comes out on top. Actually, I hope Shady owns week one so Toby Kobach, M.D. is left with a 40-yard line from Williams and I walk away with an upset win. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR SCARING MY CO-WORKERS DURING THE DRAFT!


Twitter poll results:

How Many Games Will Daniel Jones Start this Year

Just another reason why Fredo will suffer endlessly this year, this is the year we’ll see the final pathetic Eli face, starting a new era at QB in New York, most likely after a four-interception two-fumble game against the Eagles. But when exactly will looming breakout TE Daniel Jones take over?


Salty Sweetness: I honestly couldn’t care less. They both suck.


Twitter poll results:

2019 Bust of the Year

Several players were drafted for surprisingly big stacks by GMRRFFA owners desperate to compete with the Commish’s Big Three but none stand out more than Antonio Brown ($98), Josh Jacobs ($89), Stefon Diggs ($82), or, Damien Williams ($72)? So which high-dollar player currently on a roster finishes outside the top 20 at their position, breaking their owner’s heart and crushing their dreams?


Salty Sweetness: If AB can stop rapping Rick Ross lyrics long enough to produce at a level even relatively close to the past six years he’ll be fine, and Jacobs and Diggs should be valuable even if they aren’t massive busts, so that leaves Damien Williams - already facing Darwin’s survival of the fittest and now with kneecapped value after Shady came to town.


Twitter poll results:

2019 Breakout of the Year

The NFL trading market since our draft has had more twists and turns than the Sausage King’s new spin cycling routine - SO MANY, RIGHT?!? But four players drafted for tiny sums could soon be contributing tons of points to their lucky owners - so which low-dollar draftee is most likely to finish in the top 10 at their position?


Salty Sweetness: While my heart says Singletary, Frank Gore’s like herpes - he’s never going away and he’s always gonna fuck up your game. I’ll roll the dice and say Shady McCoy rides Andy Reid’s Mustache to comeback player of the year honors.


Twitter poll results:

The Smeetstakes (i.e. Trades Trades Trades):

Last year, GMRRFFA owners consummated 53 trades, with half of them seeming to be Smeet stockpiling draft cash. Vegas books have set 2019’s over/under on total number of trades at 83.5 - will we put last year’s record on smash mode?


Salty Sweetness: Pound the under


GMRRFFA Owners' pick: Under


The Commish Conundrum

Which total will be larger, the Commish’s 2019 wins, or the Commish’s overall number of trades?


Salty Sweetness: Total trades - even if he wins the league, you gotta bake at least eight Morabito trades into the Commish’s total.


GMRRFFA Owners' pick: Total trades


Delusions of Greatness

Which total will be larger, the Commish’s 2019 wins, or the Chicago Bears 2019 wins?


Salty Sweetness: DA BEARSSSS. Chicago rides breakout star David Montgomery over the bloated egos of Sexy Rexy and Coach Ditka to a division crown.


GMRRFFA Owners' pick: Split! (Commissioner's note: Will the Bears go 16-0? If so, push)

Riff Raff

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