• Peter Richards

Smeet Returns!

Smeet returns for the 2019 season, addressing the right number of kids, the statute of limitations for holding a grudge, blatant pandering to the Commish, and a HUGE SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!


Excuse me while I dust the cobwebs off. What’s a computer anyway? Maybe FIL can help me build an algorithm that would write this column for me…


OK SO IT’S 2019 AND WE ARE BACK WITH THE FIRST MAILBAG OF THE NEW YEAR!! I am yelling because the Commish has a habit of doing that when I take too long to write things (Commissioner's Note: Accurate). Stealing a joke from our other contributor (thanks VS), my boss is back from vacation so I actually have to do work now. ON TO THE MAIL!


Question: As a father of 3, the youngest being months old. I was wondering, what is the right number of kids to have? 1 and done, or are you trying to start your own basketball team? What do you think the pros and cons are for more or less kids and does Smeet ever think of more down the road? Also, Van or SUV?

-- Garcia (aka Purveyor of Death)


Answer: I must say this is a fantastic start to the season. Your question game rivals that of your fantasy game, your beard game, your Pokemon Go game, and who can forget your Crocs game.

First, let me formally congratulate you on your new addition the family. She’s adorable, and we are all happy for you. (Commissioner's Note: I'll never stop loving meeting baby #3 the first time on right)


Second, there is a lot of ground to cover here, and I am not in writing shape or running shape, I am, however, a shape.


The right number of kids to have is…0….just kidding. It’s one. But just kidding again because of this SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT, MRS.SMEET and I are expecting our 2nd this fall, so the correct number is two. But the thought of two scares the crap out of me, so I want to say one but two should be awesome, right?


As for having enough to field your basketball team? Ask LaVar Ball how that’s working out. I think three is manageable, if not on the verge of torture, two is probably a happy place, and one is awesome but leaves you wondering if you should have a sibling for the first to play with (aka to free yourself up to do adult things during the waking hours, like chores). Adulting is hard.


The obvious pros of more kids are the more things you can have done around the house with free labor. However, getting them to the age of helping is long and tedious, with a heavy emotional and financial investment. It’s like preparing a bumper crop for years before seeing any return on that investment, and there is no guarantee they will amount to being able to do anything, like Carlos. I am sure a video clip is getting edited into this space.


Another pro is that if you have enough to field a football team, you have a shot at a TV show on TLC and those all end well. By the ending well, I mean it goes down in flames like our drones in international air space.

Smeet's adorable first-born, burdened with being a Giants fan, looks devastated hearing cost is the biggest con

Cons are aplenty but let us go with the heavy hitters. First, we have the cost. Seriously kids cost a lot of money. Second, we have lack of sleep. According to a study, new parents have a 6-month sleep deficit during the first 24 months (Commissioner's Note: I'd link to the study, but Smeet's lazy and never provided a link... no surprise). That is INSANE! Say you have three kids and assuming you get better at dealing with the sleep and you are only at say a 4-month deficit for the second and third that’s still over a year of sleep deficit. Yeah, no thanks. But you sleep when you’re dead they say. THEY must do cocaine. I need my sleep.

Saying all that, shop's closed. Elvis has left the building. The ship has sailed etc. etc. etc. We are actively not thinking of more kids down the road.


Now, on to the car question. I love car questions. (Hint send more in, please). If you had asked me this question before having kids, I would have said SUV hands down, and I would make fun of any van owners. Fast forward to today, and I say it’s mini-van all the way, especially if you have three little ones to tote around. Fun fact though, my friend just had a newborn to go with two older siblings, and they lug their family of 5 around in a Honda Fit. Chew on that.


If you are looking for a recommendation on a mini-van, you have to go with the Honda Odyssey. They are pricey, but they are insane. The function, the utility, the gadgetry, the resale, have I mentioned the ladies love a guy in a Honda Odyssey (just kidding that’s not true, or maybe it is, I have no idea) and the VACCUM! It has a vacuum. Cheerios, you have met your match.

And for the American autoworkers, I hear the Chrysler Pacifica is decent.

Question: What’s the status of limitations to tell your friend you’re mad at them? For example, I took Amanda Aneese to a dance in 8th grade, and Fredo was (and still is) mad... does he have two weeks, two months, two years, two decades to tell me he’s mad? -- The Commissioner


Answer: The bromance that keeps on giving. For those not in the know, there has been a best friendship saddled with deep-rooted pain happening between the Commissioner and Fredo since grade school. There are so many ghosts in that closet, if it was opened up it would be like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and everyone would die when the demons came out. With that out of the way, let's get to the question.


For typical humans, I would say the correct answer is between two hours and two weeks. For the #Fredmissioner situation, I would say he SHOULD have told you within that timeframe but be prepared to hear about it when we are playing fantasy football in our 70’s. (Commissioner's Note: Back in 1995, he did tell me; but he's brought it up pretty much every chance he gets. I'd argue too bad, and he wasted the opportunity to ask her to the dance before me PLUS he never once told me beforehand he had a thing for Amanda.)

Questions: What makes a great fantasy football commissioner?

-- Every fantasy player in a terrible league


Answer: If you looked up greatest commissioner ever it should honestly have a picture of our illustrious Commish, seriously. I mean it. He’s not even forcing me to write that — Scouts honor. He may be pushing me past my bedtime to write this for an arbitrary deadline but its because he cares about the league that much. He wants everyone constantly engaged so that even in the off-season, we have something to talk about or debate or make fun of or anything.


On top of this, he wants input from all the owners on the league to push the boundaries of ways to make the experience better. Examples are the implementation of trading for future draft dollars, taxing said trades, and providing the taxes to the winner of the LB6.


Beyond that, he goes above and beyond with creating content for the world, ok half the league and maybe four people on Twitter, to see. Whether it's breaking down key playoff scenarios, power-rankings, draft analysis, weekly recap, and everything in between, the man is a machine in writing tens of thousands of words to keep us engaged. It’s impressive and doesn’t go unnoticed by some of us.


Lastly, the website! It’s always improving and its something he takes a lot of pride in having as a place to keep all of our content and crazy draft budget trades, owner profiles, and fun video clips.


So yeah if you want to know what it takes to be great, check out https://www.riffrafffootball.com.

You’re welcome Commish, now can I have that extra draft budget, no one will notice the extra 35 bucks (Commissioner's Note: Yes).

Question: What scares you more about the 2019 GMRRFFA season; you (likely) blowing your bloated budget, or Fredo (unlikely) making a run at the championship?

-- My inner voice

Answer: As much as it scares me, and everyone for that matter, of Fredo making a run at the championship, my biggest fear is screwing up the draft. Not only screwing up the draft but panicking after the draft and making rash decisions. Not to be confused with the rash Toby got from having unprotected vagankle sex.


I can only control what I can control, and that’s my draft, trades after the draft, and solid free agent pickups. So that’s what I worry about. Shameless plug though, I JUST GRADUATED WITH MY MBA! So not only do I have more brain capacity to spend (waste) on fantasy football, I am theoretically smarter now too. Ok, probably not, but my mom thinks I am.

That’s a wrap for this installment. Please send in more questions to smeetquestions@gmail.com or on twitter @hazexban


Aim high people!

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