Riff Raff Ramblings Season 2 Episode 1:
Updated: Oct 1, 2019
Commissioner's Note: Please note the entire column below unedited to respectfully give credence to its author's intent.
Riff Raff Ramblings Season 2 Episode 1:
We Are All Zeke
From a fantasy perspective, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve no doubt heard about Ezekiel Elliott’s holdout from camp until he receives a new contract. And as much as I’d like to celebrate this development as a lifelong fan of The New York Football Giants, I find myself in the unlikely predicament of sympathizing with a formerly much-hated Dallas Cowboy. You see, Ramblers, yours truly also is going through his very own contract dispute with none other than The Commish, himself. That’s right folks, The Sausage King of Vienna, Supreme Champion of the GMRRFA, is holding out!
In my first (and maybe last?) column for GMRRFA, let me first apologize for needing to momentarily peel back the silk curtain of fun, light-hearted fantasy football and let the garish light of day strain your eyes. I need to apologize for the extensive coverage of the Sausage King’s absence peppering your social media [insert link to one of your tweets or whatever]. And most importantly, I need to apologize for my inexcusable lack of content in the 7 months or so since I last blessed you with a column. I know I have left you hungry, Ramblers. I know I have left you wanting. You’ve no doubt been refreshing riffrafffootball.com incessantly, with bated breath and eyes drunk with lust, your hands clenched, gripping a palpable hopelessness, sweat slowly starting to bead on your furrowed brow, waiting, nay praying, for me to lay my unmistakably abundant column across your eyeballs.
Needless to say, I have regrets. As the wise philosopher and hip-hop hitmaker extraordinaire, Timbaland once said:
It's been a long time (long time), we shouldn't of left you (left you),
Without a dope beat to step to (step to, step to, step to, step to).
[insert youtube video of Aaliyah’s Try Again video]
But if it’s any consolation to my loyal readers, please understand that this was not done needlessly, and there was a reason for my decision. Among the numerous similarities between professional NFL athletes and fantasy football website writers, along with being outright superhuman physical specimens and the superhuman ability to “steal yo girl”, is that our contracts are not guaranteed. At the advice of my counsel, I cannot disclose all the details, but essentially, since the beginning of riffrafffootball.com, the executives at GMRRFA have made certain promises and fostered certain expectations that just compensation would be made for its founding staff. Promises and expectations that they have yet to deliver on.
I learned alot of things last season, you know, the season I kept Le’veon Bell as the pillar I built my team around. And while, no doubt, Bell hurt countless fantasy owners, he did cast a much-needed spotlight on the current predicament of NFL contracts and the power dynamics within labor politics. And while some naysayers and boo-birds may claim that Le’veon lost by turning down the Steelers and eventually settling with the New York Jets, those folks shortsightedly miss the point of good faith offers and guaranteed money. Yes, the Steelers made a higher offer, but with far less guaranteed money. It was a show offer that the Steelers, like the majority of NFL contracts, had no intention of seeing through till its end to make Bell appear as a troublemaker. In this respect, the Jet’s offer was vastly superior, guaranteeing him two thirds of his contract, or roughly $35 million, regardless of injury.
[Insert picture of Le’veon]
So in the spirit of Bell, I too am holding my ground. I too am choosing the road of less wear and tear (you guys don’t know about the carpal tunnel, the eyestrain from long nights at the laptop or the forlorn looks of your wife and infant children, as they close the front door, leaving the house but you need to stay home to finish a GMRRFA owners x Marvel Cinematic Universe mashup). I too am choosing to serve as a blueprint for the other star fantasy football website writers held back by greedy money-hungry commissioners.
That being said, I eagerly look forward to moving forward and leaving this ugliness behind us. I genuinely hope this gets settled soon. Bringing the metaphor back full-circle, the Cowboys know that they are at their most dangerous having a three-pronged attack with Dak, Amari AND Zeke. And while, I will leave it to the readers to decide who’s who, it is kind of interesting how uncannily similar of the 3 main GMRRFA contributors. In the meantime, I hope this provides you with the background and closure you deserve. I also hope that I can count on your support through these tumultuous times and stand with your grateful Sausage King with the hashtag #CommishPayUp!