Riff Raff Ramblings: Homecoming
“Can’t leave rap alone, the game needs me” - Shawn Carter
“You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, ‘That's the bad guy.’" - Tony Montana
Welcome back, Ramblers!!! Your eyes do not deceive you. Yours truly, everyone’s favorite king of sausages, and the esteemed GMRRFA commissioner have agreed to terms - so Riff Raff Ramblings is back!!!
While details of the deal remain undisclosed, national reporters have confirmed that Smeet was present for the historic deal and was even seen wiping a lone tear from his pink-eye infested ocular cavity (for the record, his least-diseased cavity).
In the two months since we last spoke, a few things have happened: the Vienna Sausages have gone 5-0, TLC has blessed us with two concurrently running 90 Day Fiance shows (90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days and 90 Day Fiance: The Other Way, for those of you keeping score at home), and the Riff Raff Ramblings column has been relegated from regularly updated Riff Raff Content and relegated to a Special Feature, whatever that means (Commissioner’s note: It means GMRRFFA needs to see if these columns remain consistent).
I have a few ideas for future columns, but with this (hopefully) being the first regular installment, I figure we should ease into this one. They say you should write what you know and, apparently, what I know is winning fantasy football games, my fellow GMRRFFA owners and trashy reality television.
For anyone who’s been living in a cave for the past five years, 90 Day Fiance is “an American documentary/reality TV series on TLC that follows couples who have applied for or received a K-1 visa (available uniquely to foreign fiancés of American citizens) and therefore have ninety days to decide to marry each other, before the visas of the foreign half of the couple expire.”
It’s a genius premise that balances the very relatable aspects of many relationships like in-law hostility/suspicion and disagreements about money, along with the more unique wrinkles that come with rushing to marry someone from a very different culture within three months .
Now that you’re all caught up, let’s meet our couples:
Luis, 26 (Dominican Republic) and Molly, 41 (Woodstock, Georgia)
Luis and Molly met at the bar he was tending, while she was at a resort in the Dominican Republic vacationing with her friends. Unbeknownst to the producers, they secretly married during the season. However, after moving in with Molly and her two teenage daughters, Luis discovered fatherhood was not for him, leaving Molly and the show entirely, shortly thereafter.
Carlos (denver ponyboys) and FIL (Dude Where Is My Carr)
This is more a testament to the league’s absentee owner, Carlos, than anything else really. It’s no secret that the ponyboys have given up on achieving this year (quite possibly, every year) basically refusing to field a proper bench, starting a ruled-out Terry Mclaurin in Week Four and scoring a league low 339 points this season (almost 200 points lower than the next closest team). In a league as competitive as GMRRFA, it’s rare to have such a clear and obvious bye. Like Molly, one can only wonder what hopes FIL had for what could have been…
Karine, 21 (Brazil) and Paul, 34 (Louisville, Kentucky)
Sweet, sweet Karine and tragic, tragic Paul. Hmm, where to start with these two? They met on an online dating app focused on meeting Latinas. Since they don’t speak each other’s language, they communicate via an app that translates text messages they send each other in-person. Finally, on two separate occasions, following heated exchanges about his inability to provide for Karine and their eventual child financially, Paul has thrown himself into piranha-infested waters to drown himself and locked himself into an outhouse to show Karine just how bad the stress of it all has affected him.
Coop (Nuke the Cane) and Tito Galen (The Big Gronkowski)
Sweet, sweet Coop and tragic, tragic Tito Galen. Coop has been nothing if not gentle and pleasant. I’ve approached him with a few trade offers, but true to his conservative (fantasy, not politically, don’t get it twisted) and risk-averse nature, he has considered them for a cumulative .2 seconds. And then there’s the Big Gronkowski. Remember it’s been awhile since I’ve written a real column, but WHAT A SLIDE. I haven’t seen a fall from grace like that since Icarus used his wings to get a better tan (ed: Now *that’s* a solid reference). Wow, that was terrible, I am definitely rusty. I should have known an Icarus joke would crash and burn (Commissioner’s note: I get it).
Aaaaaaaaanyways, back to Tito Galen. This is not what I pictured when I so regally banished the perennial favorite to outside of my division. Not sure what the root cause is for his downfall, which I will leave to smarter columnists, but his squad appears to have started under performing when he broke up the triumvirate of excellent keepers in Devante Adams, Adam Thielen, and David Johnson. I don’t actually know for sure if DJ was part of the original trio, it’s been so long since Tito Galen has been relevant (ed: Ooh, sick burn).
Annie, 24 (Thailand) and David, 48 (Louisville, Kentucky)
David met Annie in a karaoke bar in Thailand. He proposed to her after only ten days and convinced her to move back to the United States with him. Unfortunately for Annie, David failed to tell her that he had financial problems being out of work for six months, getting kicked out of his apartment and living above a friend’s storage unit.
Makese (Team Motley) and Toby (Whatever He Calls His Team Now)
My notes for writing this section read: “David (broke and utterly hopeless) = Team Motley and/or Toby”. Let’s move on.
Pedro, 26 (Dominican Republic) and Chantel, 25 (Atlanta Georgia)
I set off to find a nice couple picture for Pedro and Chantel, but somehow in the process got *ahem* distracted. Arguably, the most famous couple within the 90 Day Fiance franchise, they even have their own spin-off show, The Family Chantel. Their story line mainly revolves around the explosive and sometimes violent fights Pedro has had with Chantel’s family, who assume he has married Chantel for a green card and to improve his family’s standing back in the Dominican Republic.
Stabs (Chubb’s Stout D) and The Unicorn (Dawg Pound Red Rockets)
The league’s two resident penis joke team name owners, but similar to the Highlander, “there can only be one.” Sure, the Unicorn has Zeke, Amari Cooper, and Lockett, but at 1-4, it’s easy to see why he’s overlooked here. Meanwhile at 5-0, Stabs’ team is the real draw here. With Mahomes and a raging hot Chubb, do we need to know anything else about their lineup? I say ‘No.’ Once you see those two names, you don’t need to say anything else. The camera loves them. What this has to do with Chantel, umm I’m not sure. I’m sure Chantel and Stabs are both nice people and they probably both like puppies.
Caesar, 46 and Maria, 28 (Ukraine)
Caesar used an online service that sets Americans up “with beautiful women from the Ukraine” for a small fee. Without ever meeting her in person, he has been sending her $800 a month for the past five years. Caesar calls Maria his soulmate and that is all the justification he needs for the $40,000 he has sent her over the past five years.
Fredo Maisel (Cold and Timid Souls) and Smeet (Gettleman’s Bagel Boys)
Going into this season, both of these teams had the biggest purses to acquire assets. But even though they are both 3-2, these two teams have very different trajectories. One is second in the league in scoring and the other is about seventh or so. One was smart with their money and the other not so much. One used their draft money to eventually acquire Deshaun Watson, Austin Ekeler, and Cooper Kupp, all top three or better at their respective positions. One of these teams spent their money on OBJ. Caesar and Smeet are being catfished and sucked dry out of every cent they have. Don’t be like Caesar and Smeet.
Colt, 33 (Las Vegas, Nevada) and Larissa, 31 ( Brazil)
After spending eleven days total together, Colt and Larissa were engaged and ready to move in together with his mother and three cats. During their tumultuous relationship, Colt and Larissa got into several domestic disputes and physical altercations, with the police often being called, until they eventually divorced.
Mark Hutchinson (Dorne Diredonkeys) and Garcia (Carnival of Chaos)
In a much more positive way than their 90 Day counterparts, Mark and Garcia are always fireworks all the time. No surprise that they are two of my favorite owners, with their similar style and approach to roster building. Always threats to be reckoned with, they are seemingly always active making trades and acquiring valuable free agents for their rosters. Deal after deal, transaction after transaction, the Donkeys and the Carnival are constantly working to make their teams better. Other owners better not relax, because I know for a fact, these two never will.
Danielle, 41 (Sandusky, Ohio) and Mohammed, 26 (Tunisia)
From The List:
“Season 2's Mohamed and Danielle had an unhealthy relationship from the very beginning.With Danielle's awkward habit of hanging all over Mohamed and Mohamed's not-so-veiled repulsion of her, it's no wonder things went south so soon after the wedding.Eventually, he left Danielle's Ohio home, and, though Danielle went looking for him, Mohamed was long gone.
"Danielle went back and forth about whether or not to grant Mohamed a divorce or to get an annulment, which would result in Mohamed potentially being deported.Eventually, they settled on a divorce, and finally one of the worst 90 Day Fiancé relationships of all time reached an end.”
Sausage King (Vienna Sausages) and The Commish (Trubisky Business)
Good to be back. Love you, boo. 💖😘💖
(Commissioner’s note: Wait, am I Danielle or Mohammed?)