• THE COMMISH

Riff Raff Fantasy Football Keeper Instant Takes by the Commishicorn

The 2019 Riff Raff Fantasy Football Keeper deadline has come and gone like a fart in the wind, paving the foundation for what will be nothing short of a wild upcoming season. In total, 11 top-15 running backs and wide receivers are already off the board along, along with the Big Three tight ends. As we wrap up an all-day GMRRFFA staff meeting, your Commish spent some time with our latest contributor, the Saltiest Man on Earth (see below), and we couldn’t help but drop instant reactions to all 14 team keeper selections (we even recruited GMRRFFA co-founder and part-owner Smeet for a few celebrity takes!).


Ahead of the Riff Raff Keeper Selections Instant Takes, let’s spend a few moments with the Unicorn, GMRRFFA newest contributor and a vegan...


Introduction to the “Dead Sea”

I don’t have time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, I have no desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and I’m not even clear what’s happening with the Sausage King’s months-long editorial calendar. But one thing I have in abundance is saltiness and complaints - about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.


So, welcome to the inaugural Dead Sea column, where I’ll air my biggest grievances of the previous week. Consider this dispatch a just-the-tip version of the full experience. Back to the Commish and all his typos...


Ok, a quick precursor on keepers… GMRRFFA owners spent $2,350 in draft dollars on Keepers this year, or 56% of all draft dollars, keeping 18 running backs, 17 wide receivers, four quarterbacks, three tight ends, and, sadly, zero kickers. In total, the average keeper cost per player hovered around $56! Ok, your Commish can break those numbers down some other day. Let’s get on to the Commish-Unicorn mash-up (hey Unicorn, we could coin a nickname like ‘Commishicorn’)...


Want a quick preview of keepers before our Instant Takes? Check them out below:



Carlos


Keepers: Tyreek Hill ($59); Mike Evans ($95); Zack Ertz ($39)

Draft Budget: $32

FAAB Budget: $385


Commish’s Instant Take:

On paper, Carlos’ three keepers are strong! Having a Big Three tight end (Julie Ertz’s spouse) is a huge advantage, especially given his reasonable price. As vile as he is, Tyreek Hill at $59 is a steal and could be a game changer, especially without a looming suspension. In the case of Evans, its curious as he’s a borderline top-10 wide receiver, but given the hype for both Bucs’ WR Chris Godwin and TE OJ Howard, Evans’ value could ultimately depreciate as targets are eaten up elsewhere. Meanwhile, Carlos spent 42% of his budget to keep Evans after trading TY Hilton (and Chris Godwin) for premium FAAB. In a vacuum, your Commish is fine with those moves, but given his sparse draft dollars and Hilton and Evans being somewhat comparable, Carlos essentially spent $30 extra dollars for the same player.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

First, good job keeping a sociopath who not only severely beat his girlfriend, but also managed to break his toddler son’s arm - what a great addition to your team, and what a classy guy to root for every week! Second, how annoying is it going to be to wait at the very end of the draft for Carlos to scrounge up $1 players to complete his team once the rest of our rosters are filled out. Good luck getting the third-string running back for the Broncos and hoping for the best.


When the Commish realizes he needs more than 3 players on his roster

The Commish


Keepers: Saquon Barkley ($118); DeAndre Hopkins ($88); Michael Thomas ($32)

Draft Budget: $126

FAAB Budget: $169


Special Guest Commentary: Smeet’s Longer-than-Asked and Borderline Full Analysis Take:

Everyone’s favorite GMRRFFA member is here with expert analysis on the Commish’s keepers and budget situation. Let’s start with the good, and there’s a lot of it: First, he sends $30 FAAB to Garcia for Todd Gurley (pretty risky), followed up with a BLOCKBUSTER deal for Deandre Hopkins. After a month-long respite, he sent FAAB to Garcia (again) for Julio Jones, but before the ink even dried, the Commish made a HUGE splash, trading Jones and Gurley with a FAAB care package to FIL for Saquon “Rumored Untouchable” Barkley!


Now the bad. Given his starting budget of $364, he’s got $126 to round out his roster - less than $10 dollars a player. But you say “THAT’S FINE he can make up for it with free agents during the regular season” - but here’s the rub (ed: Pete’s *very* familiar with “the rub”); out of $300 potential FAAB, the Commish only has $169 remaining FAAB. I saved the worst for last: Drew Brees is on the decline. In 2018, Weeks 1 – 11 Brees had a 87.1 QB rating, but Weeks 12-17 it was 52.9 while yards per attempt fell from 8.8 to 6.7, completion percentage dipped from 76.4% to 69.2%, and TD output dwindled from 29 to seven. Also, the Giants are horrendously bad! Their week 1 WRs wouldn’t start for a CFL Team and Eli Manning is still the quarterback. Combine the two, and opposing defenses don’t respect the pass and can load men in the box (ed: Sounds like the Second Battle of Man-Asses).


Dip In The Dead Sea:

I’ll start with general hatred for The Commish’s squad - 2018’s top WR, another who could finish as 2019’s top WR, and a potential 400-touch RB. Screw him for accumulating this hit squad that could easily score 120 points every week. Also, I’m tired of his reverse-jinx attempts. Why rank yourself in the bottom tier of teams WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THREE OF THE TOP PLAYERS IN FANTASY FOOTBALL? Seriously, put on your big boy pants and admit you’re one of the strongest teams.


That Smile dapper AF

Coop


Keepers: Dalvin Cook ($61); Chris Carson ($27); Calvin Ridley ($14)

Draft Budget: $123

FAAB Budget: $345


Commish’s Instant Take:

GMRRFFA’s fascination with FAAB remains perplexing, and it’s most obvious with Coop’s keepers. Swapping out Stefon Diggs with Chris Carson solely for a FAAB money grab is strange. Your Commish is obviously a big fan of Carson, who has the potential to be a top-15 running back this year, but sending away Diggs for him and FAAB left me scratching my head. I’ve talked enough about Calvin Ridley, and candidly Dalvin Cook is fantastic when he’s on the field. He’s only played in fifteen games over two seasons, so durability remains a concern, something the Vikings share hence they drafted Alexander Mattison.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

A caveat that it’s hard to hate on The League’s Best Smile, an all-around class act and good guy. But when you’re a hammer, all you see is nails, so let’s start with the fact that he traded for Chris Carson when *I* wanted to trade for Carson, snatching him away before I was able to negotiate with Fredo. Also, Dalvin Cook is as brittle as The Commish’s ego in Boy Chat, so good luck getting a full season out of him while someone with a bigger draft budget enjoys Alexander Mattison posting RB1 numbers across half the season while Cook is in the trainer’s room.


FIL


Keepers: Julio Jones ($136); Todd Gurley ($78); Matt Ryan ($12)

Draft Budget: $38

FAAB Budget: $325


Commish’s Instant Take:

It must be a Morabito thing, given FIL and Carlos both attempting to roster their teams with $30+ draft budgets, but I’m not really down on FIL’s keepers. Given the amount of money he has available in the draft and the likely cost for stud players, FIL keeping Julio Jones isn’t the worst decision ever. In his last five seasons, Julio averaged 105 catches on 235 targets for 1,600 yards per season. He is a beast, and so is Todd Gurley, who appears likely to be ready for the season opener. Given his keeper tag, he could be a good deal by mid-season. FIL had a tough choice for his third keeper, Matt Ryan or Robert Woods, and I don’t fault him for securing Ryan for $12. Given he is cash-strapped, FIL keeping Ryan means he at least gets consistent high-scoring quarterback play when his paltry budget likely wouldn’t allow him to pick up mid-level pieces in the draft.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

Trading for and then keeping Todd Gurley is arguably the riskiest set of moves in GMRRFFA’s offseason. I mean, the guy literally has arthritis in his knees and missed most of the 2018 playoffs. But good luck outbidding everyone else for Darrell Henderson. Also, I hate that FIL not only thinks his AI computer model will magically identify quality players that fill out a competitive team on a $38 draft budget, but that his AI computer model PROBABLY WILL identify quality players that fill out a competitive team on a $38 draft budget. Stupid technology.



Yes, Mike Williams over Stefon Diggs was smart... [Nope]

Fredo Maisel


Keepers: LeVeon Bell ($102); David Johnson ($142); Mike Williams ($11)

Draft Budget: $233

FAAB Budget: $285


Commish’s Instant Take:

I have zero issue with the David Johnson acquisition and keeper decision. Yes, Fredo essentially spent $200 ($60 FAAB plus $142 keeper tag) to nab a potential stud, but it’s the right decision. Pairing DJ with LeVeon Bell could potentially be the best RB combo in the league. My real issue is Mike Williams (who I love), but dropping Stefon Diggs less than a week after Fredo traded for him makes literally no sense. The Vikings’ receiver was on the cusp of being a top-10 player last season, with 102 catches and 1,021 yards plus nine touchdowns. Recognizing the high demand for top receivers in the draft (seriously, the only top 15 guys remaining in the draft pool are OBJ, AB, Edelman and now Diggs) I simply don’t get it. Williams could be a stud, but he’s still second fiddle behind Keenan Allen in Los Angeles. The Williams over Diggs choice could be huge for Fredo this season and now the only owner to not make the playoffs swapped a bonafide stud (at a reasonable cost) for a potential breakout star playing Robin to Allen’s Batman.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

JFC Fredo, thanks for ruining the draft day bidding showdown between you and Smeet that we’ve all been looking forward to since last year. Seriously, now Smeet gets to outbid everyone for AB and every other has-been without any counterbalance. Also, WHY WOULD YOU DROP STEFON DIGGS A WEEK AFTER YOU TRADED FOR HIM? It wasn’t enough to ruin the draft balance, you also squandered Diggs’ keeper value. But it’s fine, I’m sure Diggs is now going to go for a reasonable price in this WR1-depleted landscape. And I’m sure Mike Williams will provide much more value to your team.


A master in the dark arts

Garcia


Keepers: Kerryon Johnson ($21); Tyler Lockett ($12); Chris Godwin ($12)

Draft Budget: $197

FAAB Budget: $283


Commish’s Instant Take:

Watching the Purveyor of Death operate off-season trades is like watching Picasso - despite being hamstrung for draft dollars, Garcia wove a beautiful narrative, spending FAAB (and taking it in) like he was the Wolf of Wall Street while acquiring three valuable studs. I’m all in on Kerryon Johnson and, given Tyler Lockett’s price, he could be the steal of the draft. The Seattle WR averaged nearly 14 yards per target last season, easily the best in the NFL, and, with Doug Baldwin retiring, Lockett is primed for a breakout season as a #1 wide receiver. As for Chris Godwin, yes, he’s more hyped in the Twitter-verse than anyone and should be more effective with DeSean Jackson gone. That said, Godwin averaged three catches per game in his first two years, is competing against the aforementioned Evans for targets, and still has the 27th ranked quarterback in accuracy passing to him. Godwin could be a stud, but he has to prove it.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

Honestly, I couldn’t even keep up with all of Garcia’s moves. And I hate him for that. Street hustlers love conning suckers out of their money with Three Card Monty, and Garcia essentially did the same thing to GMRRFFA this year. I also hate that he somehow wound up with Kerryon and Lockett, the two players I was initially going to keep before offseason trades started. I can’t wait to watch Kerryon somehow play a full 16 games without injury and watch Lockett somehow maintain 2018’s ridiculous TD efficiency ratio for Garcia while I’m stuck dealing with Zeke’s contract holdout and Amari’s plantar fasciitis.


Makese


Keepers: Lamar Jackson ($10); Sony Michel ($26); Phillip Lindsey ($10)

Draft Budget: $179

FAAB Budget: $205


Commish’s Instant Take:

Your Commish is really trying to avoid knocking owner moves, but it’s tough sometimes. For $26, Michel is fine though a crowded backfield includes a returning Rex Burkhead, rookie Damien Harris and James White, who will undoubtedly grab a ton of catches, likely depress Michel’s value. Your Commish wrote about Lindsey last week and, luckily for Makese, Theo Riddick is out 6-8 weeks (Hot Take: If Theo Riddick’s injury marginally helps your keeper, that’s not a good sign). With the Lamar Jackson keeper decision, this marks the third straight season Makese kept a quarterback, and it’s a strange choice. Jackson could be very good, but if you question Ryan being kept at $12, Baker Mayfield at $11, and maybe even Patrick Mahomes at $16, you need to question this one too. High-production quarterbacks are cheap in a redraft, and I imagine Jackson would be available for even cheaper. Also, to summarize Makese’s off-season, there’s this:

Dip In The Dead Sea:

LOL, the primary source of Lamar Jackson’s fantasy football value in 2018 was his running output, but Jackson has said he’ll run less in 2019 and the Ravens backfield is even more crowded this year with the addition of Mark Ingram. But even with all that, Jackson is probably going to turn into Michael Vick 2.0, except this time without the dog fighting. And speaking of crowded backfields, Sony Michel sure does look like a great keeper when he’s got the Ghost of Tom Brady checking down to Burkhead, White, and Jeremy Hill while fighting for carries with Damien Harris and losing goal line carries to James Devlin. Also, shout out to all the noise about Philip Lindsay being in an RBBC with Royce Freeman.


Mark Hutchinson


Keepers: Alvin Kamara ($22); Davante Adams ($30); DJ Moore ($17)

Draft Budget: $156

FAAB Budget: $381


Commish’s Instant Take:

Good news! 2019 is the last season Alvin Kamara can be kept at a robbery-level cheap keeper price tag… God, I hate how cheap he is. I’m good with Mark’s keeping DJ Moore too, given a strapped draft budget and DJM being better than the other 48 potential keepers on the CPA’s roster prior to the deadline. That said, I need to talk Davante Adams! Holy f*ck this is probably my favorite trade of the season, especially for Mr. Hutchinson. The Dornish accountant literally made the best play possible, and now has two of the three most coveted keeper assets ahead of the draft. Despite being short on draft capital, Mark has a top five running back, a top three wide receiver, and an ample budget for the GMRRFFA draft. I hate him, yet can’t say how much I respect his off-season.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

Great, another year of Mark punishing the league after it seemed like he’d take a step back by giving away Nick Chubb and Patrick Mahomes. So he gets the potential #1 WR and the potential #1 RB for the exact same price as I’m paying for Amari’s Ankle. Cool cool cool. And I’m sure the shoulder AIDS that Cam Newton developed exactly when I traded for him last year will be perfectly fine this year and will feed DJ Moore’s superstar break-out season. AWESOME!


The Sausage King


Keepers: Christian McCaffrey ($72); James Conner ($10); Travis Kelce ($54)

Draft Budget: $109

FAAB Budget: $371


The 2016 Championship ring

Commish’s Instant Take:

The reigning champion/grifter has arguably the top running back and tight end plus a top-10 running back for $10. This is a very sound roster and formidable against any opponent. The self-proclaimed ‘working man’s champion’ should be proud of his decisions. Otherwise, let’s just move on.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

I still hate that the Sausage King pawned Cam off on me literally the week before he fell apart, then rode Russell Wilson to a championship. Thanks, Jon, you bastard. Also, screw you for finally getting the championship belt that I never got to wear. I’m sure my unicorn ring will be just as rewarding whenever I wear it this year. Haters always hate the champ, and I sure as hell hate on the Sausage King’s insanely good keepers.


Smeet


Keepers: Marlon Mack ($21); Keenan Allen ($65); Tyler Boyd ($10)

Draft Budget: $325

FAAB Budget: $310


Commish’s Instant Take:

Understanding Smeet’s strategy all off-season was an adventure. If you are so inclined, an individual could review every Smeet trade this off-season as a reaction to another trade previously made by a competitor, notably the July 3rd OBJ trade thirteen minutes after the Commish acquired Julio. All of this is to say, Smeet acquired OBJ and Keenan Allen to pair with Marlon Mack, all before remembering he also has Tyler Boyd at $10, who is for all intents and purposes the same player as Allen, just at 20% the cost. So, of course, he kept both - two top-15/20 wide receivers - and parted ways with OBJ whom he traded $20 FAAB for in July and is primed to be a top five receiver. Finally, I do like Marlon Mack, but more than Kerryon Johnson, who the GMRRFFA co-founder and part-owner had for three days earlier this year? Probably not. That said, Smeet is the only owner north of $300 in draft dollars and, for the fourth year in a row, he will finish the draft with extra dollars.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

Sweet, sweet, simple Smeet. Great work holding onto a massive draft budget by keeping two injury-plagued but cheap players and NOT paying for a WR who could have the best-ever fantasy season if everything goes right in Believeland. I’m sure having all those extra dollars will be awesome when no one else is within $110 of your draft budget. Also, great move winning the Second Battle of Man-asses then trading away your spoils. But hey, maybe you’ll be able to outbid everyone for all the backup RBs then sell them all back off to build up your 2020 draft budget. At least I won’t have to see Kerryon have his breakout year on this team.


Stabs


Keepers: Patrick Mahomes ($16); Nick Chubb ($37); Tarik Cohen ($39)

Draft Budget: $215

FAAB Budget: $310


Commish’s Instant Take:

First, always weary of deadlines, Stabs submitted his three keepers in May, so kudos for being prompt! Even for a quarterback at $16, keeping Patrick Mahomes is a good move. As the top-rated passer, the Chiefs QB averaged six more points than Matt Ryan in 2018, who finished second last season. As for Nick Chubb, he’s primed for a solid season, especially with Duke Johnson moving on (i.e. more potential receiving targets), but spending $39 on Tarik Cohen seems almost criminal. The human joystick is a great player and finished 11th overall last season at his position, but the additions of Mike Davis and rookie David Montgomery suggests his rush attempts may be limited. Last season, Cohen exceed ten rushes once all season, even though his receiving usage was through the roof. By comparison, Davis exceeded double digit rushing attempts five times - as Seattle’s third running back. Like Sony Michel, Cohen’s value could be capped largely because he doesn’t get the rushing attempts premiere backs are accustomed to.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

Screw Stabs for *not* trading Chubb and Mahomes to me for Zeke at the literal last couple minutes before the trade deadline. Not only would I have avoided all this stupid contract and ankle drama, but I would also have enjoyed slipping in the off-season’s biggest blockbuster right before trades closed. He better use the Transformers Chubb gif as effectively as Mark did last year. Also speaking of the GMMFRA CPA, I’m just going to keep hating on him for giving Stabs the unquestioned top QB and one of the year’s best RB keepers without even offering me a trade.


Tito Galen


Keepers: Joe Mixon ($54); Adam Thielen ($30); George Kittle ($10)

Draft Budget: $207

FAAB Budget: $360


Commish’s Instant Take:

A year ago, Tito Galen had Adam Thielen, Davante Adams, and Kareem Hunt as keepers for less than $60 and, to no one’s surprise, he was a beast. That said, it’s a sad day when he broke up the Adams-Thielen pairing over the weekend for George Kittle (yes!!!) and Joe Mixon (maybe). Beyond Kittle being a part of the Big Three tight ends and having a ridiculous keeper cost, the other two have a lot of questions. First, Mixon should be a top-10 back, but with a crappy offensive line and Tyler Boyd being the only legitimate weapon otherwise in Cincinnati, Mixon’s value is at least questionable. Meanwhile, at the $30 price tag, Thielen is a no-brainer, but he only had 57 targets in the second half of last season (compared to 96 in his first eight games) while finishing the back half of the season as the 25th best receiver in fantasy football (He was the number one player at the position in Weeks 1-8).

Obligatory Tito Galen/Robert Kraft photo

Dip In The Dead Sea:

Leave it to Galen to somehow avoid any fallout from Kareem Hunt’s suspension for beating a 19-year old woman. Kind of like how his idol Bob Kraft avoided any fallout for his Florida rub-and-tug. I’m actually going to hate on Tito trading away Davante - Mixon is a suspension waiting to happen, and he’s on a bad offense. Meanwhile, Davante is a full season of Aaron Rodgers from potentially being the best WR in football. Also a smart move to bank on George Kittle repeating last year’s success when Jimmy G is back behind center and actually able to throw downfield to all the 49ers wideouts. Beyond that though, great deal!


Stock Image of Toby

Toby Kobach


Keepers: Juju Smith-Schuster ($20); TY Hilton ($66); Aaron Jones ($15)

Draft Budget: $224

FAAB Budget: $280


Commish’s Instant Take:

If Toby is competitive this season, just remember it’s because of his keepers, two-thirds of which were inspired by your Commish. Toby’s boy-crush Juju Smith-Schuster is all his, but I wrote multiple times about Aaron Jones, who Toby conveniently kept instead of Phillip Lindsey (smart). Meanwhile, over drinks, your Commish inspired Toby’s play for targeting Carlos’ wide receivers, landing TY Hilton after a controversial week in GMRRFFA. Regardless, Toby’s keeper moves should never be applauded as his own. In fact, your Commish no longer offers advice in the league because of Mr. Kobach’s clear theft of intellectual property.


Dip In The Dead Sea:

You know what was really awesome? When Toby got sick and had to almost die right when I was trying to trade Zeke to him for JuJu. I mean, I’m glad he’s better now, but come on man - your timing was so bad for me. And if me keeping Amari’s ankle is controversial, how is no one giving Toby crap for keeping Mr. Boom-Or-Bust himself, TY Hilton, for a higher cost?!?


The Unicorn


The Unicorn after one collaboration with the Commish

Keepers: Baker Mayfield ($11); Ezekial Elliot ($95); Amari Cooper

Draft Budget: $186

FAAB Budget: $245


Commish’s Instant Take:

I’m exhausted talking about quarterbacks, but I do like Baker Mayfield. More enjoyable though is the tumult occurring in Dallas (or Mexico) and Ezekiel Elliot. The Unicorn has a lot riding on that contract situation. At the onset of the season, the Unicorn had potential breakout star Kerryon Johnson for a quarter of the price of Elliot, and the Cowboys’ RB missing any time could be devastating for the saltiest man on Earth. He’s handling it well to date, but by Week One, things could be very different if Zeke remains south of the border. Meanwhile, Amari Cooper played nine games with Dallas last season, where overall he performed as a top-10 WR. Taking a closer look, Cooper finished #1 overall at wide receiver twice (Weeks 12 and 14), but only finished in top 20 WR performances in two other games (Weeks 9 and 10). On the flip side, Cooper finished out of the top 100 twice, 49th in Week 11, and 40th in Week 15. He’s a feast-or-famine performer in Dallas; don’t buy Cooper as a top-10 guy.


Special Guest Commentary: Smeet Skinny Dips in the Dead Sea:

Can we take a step back and admire the sheer beauty of the Unicorn Trainwreck? I love him, but the Unicorn’s keeper situation is nightmare fuel. This seems impossible for a team surrounded by glitter and rainbows…wait maybe that is a nightmare. To recap, he spent $110 FAAB to pick up an AWOL Zeke and Cooper. With the season three weeks away, Zeke is sipping mojitos in Mexico and we are past the GMRRFFA keeper deadline, but Zeke is still on the Unicorn’s team. In other news, he traded away a $21 Kerryon Johnson..doh (ed: So did Smeet). To make matters worse, he has “WR1” Amari for $52, but he has plantar fasciitis. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, a “complete recovery from PF symptoms is a very long process, which usually occurs within two years.” Uhhh ohhhh. On the bright side though he has Baker and a big draft budget. The Unicorn is handcuffed to the Cowboys like a sub tied to a bed with no safe word via $147 encumbered on two players who might not see the field until Week 6 - if at all. I still love you though!

Commish’s Takeaways

It’s exciting to no longer have to hypothetically guess keeper choices and, more so, it’s impressive to see what some of the owners in GMRRFFA did with their rosters. Mark Hutchinson and Garcia’s moves are legitimately next-level fantasy skills. On the flip side, yes, I’m left scratching what remains of my hair over some choices. Even more, I’m guessing some owners opted against high-priced keeper options, thinking they’ll get a deal in the draft, but that’s frankly incorrect. According to ESPN, there are only four top-15 backs available; one is holding out (Melvin Gordon), one is suspended for the first half of the season (Kareem Hunt), one is on the Patriots, and the final one is Derrick Henry. For receivers, it’s even more bleak; AB has cold feet, two Rams receivers (neither of whom are clear cut #1 WRs) are available, and Fredo’s biggest mistake, Stefon Diggs, will likely haunt him throughout the year.

The August 26th draft will be fascinating to say the least, and our fourth season is already en route to an epic cluster f*ck, so let’s get excited!


Get Out Of The Dead Sea Because It’s Dead

Great, I can’t wait for another year of my team starting out 0-4 because even my studs under perform for the first month, all the while listening to you vultures criticizing my decisions, with the implied outcome of picking my bones clean by making me sell off anything of value. But seriously, I can’t wait want to watch my blood pressure rise over the next month as Jerry Jones tries to negotiate Zeke down like he does with his high-priced escorts. After all, he’s gotta beat Bob Kraft at something before he dies, ammirite?!? I wish nothing but bad draft bids, season-ending injuries, and slow starts upon the entirety of GMRRFFA. See you all in the draft, where I’ll be quietly cursing everyone who outbids me.

Riff Raff

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