• THE COMMISH

Dead Sea: Saying Goodbye to 2019 and the Zeke-stakes

Welcome back to the Dead Sea, where the only thing saltier than the water is your faithful columnist. Without time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and an actual editorial calendar unlike the Sausage King, I’m left with salt and complaints about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.

You may have noticed I took a week off from writing the column. (Commissioner's note: Nope)

It would be easy to blame the earthquakes, wildfires, and power outages wracking California for my absence, but none of those disasters were the culprit behind a week without salt.


No, the real reason I didn’t write last week was because I was so demolished, so heartbroken, so discouraged by my Week Five back-breaking loss suffered at the chiropractically-gifted hands of Fredo Maisel (Which is ironic if you think about it).


Despite starting 1-3, I still had a technical shot at making another magical run like 2017. The Dawg Pound unfurled their mightiest red rockets, proudly putting up 137 points...but no. Those Cold and Timid Souls curb-stomped our fledgeling hopes, scoring 203 in a vicious and unrelenting beating not seen since Regan took Dukakis to the woodshed.

The Unicorn contemplates life after Fredo Maisel's Week Five beatdown

Down to a record of 1-4, clinging to my last breath and facing the mortally-wounded-but-always-dangerous Tito Galen, I decided to make my last stand. “I can’t fall to 1-5,” I said to myself over and over, waking up to nightmares fueled by visions of the LB6. So I tried valiantly to find an RB2, settling on ageless wonder Adrian Peterson against Miami and selling off promising Devin Singletary in the process, one week’s glory wagered against two years of potential. I meticulously set my lineup, and waited for fate to render its verdict.


And render it did, dear reader. Feeling hopeful after AP delivered and Curtis Samuel did his best Beefeater impression in London, cold pangs of terror gripped my chest as Amari Cooper limped off the field, never to return. Bruised quad, they said. More like bruised hopes, I whispered.


As I watched Kyler Murray have his way with the Falcons, scoring more and more points, and suffered every additional catch from George Kittle, the creeping dread became a cold terror, the realization that Tito Galen would indeed lash out one last time, inflicting a mortal wound upon my team before falling helplessly to the ground.


And then, after the first drive of Monday Night Football, it was over. My dreams dashed, my hopes gutted like Robert Baratheon trying to finish off a wild boar, a festering wound promising to kill me slowly, painfully.


So this week, I am not salty. Instead I ask you to mourn with me. To mourn the promise of what once was after I traded for Zeke and Amari. To mourn the potential of our first repeat champion. To mourn the last-gasp hope of a team determined to keep trying, even if it meant trading a beast in waiting for a retread running back.


And, I also ask you to join me, in what I am naming…..the Zeke-stakes.

Yes, after all of your requests, all of your half-assed trade proposals, and all my relentless rejections, I have decided to relent, and will trade Zeke away. But I’m not going to do this without doing my homework. Zeke is the most valuable player available on a non-contending team, and he can be kept for $105 in 2020.


Trading Zeke away in 2018 for a literal bag of dicks (Commissioner's note: Rodgers, Yeldon, Tate? Yes!) steeled my resolve to get the biggest, best possible deal for my sweet, sweet Zeke. I’ve already received three significant offers, but I want to know everyone’s best offer, so I’m issuing an RFP, of sorts, and will award him to whomever shows best.


Here are the terms - come one, come all, it’s time to deal:

  • I am not trading Zeke before the culmination of Week Seven. I will culminate the deal on Monday October 28th. This is because I want to try my best to beat the Sausage King, not only because I still have PRIDE IN MY SHIT and want to hand him his first loss while he is weakest, but because I’m a hater and I want to keep Zeke up until his bye.

  • The foundation of any offer should be at least one RB with keeper value for 2020, who I can legitimately start and expect to help me win my week. NO ITO SMITH OFFERS, COMMISH.

  • In addition to the one RB, I want a second player who I can legitimately expect to start.

  • If WR, they should be more valuable than Curtis Samuel and should not have a bye in Week Eight, because Amari is on bye then.

  • If RB, they should be more valuable than David Montgomery.

  • If QB, they should be more valuable than Bust-er Mayfield.

  • I also want 2020 draft dollars. Some of you have asked me how much. I don’t know, you tell me.

  • I am not adding Lockett, Cooper, or Waller to this deal. As of now, I intend to keep them next year. Other players on my roster are negotiable.

  • I am not telling any of you what other people are offering me. These will all be sealed deals.

That’s it. If my terms are too high, then don’t make me an offer. If I don’t like any of the offers, then I’ll keep Zeke and try to win the LB6.


Have fun boys, I look forward to your offers.


Yours in saltiness,

The Unicorn


Commissioner's note: Sounds pretty salty... let's leave this here:


Riff Raff

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