• THE COMMISH

Dead Sea's Week One Takes

Welcome back to the Dead Sea, where the only thing saltier than the water is your faithful columnist. Without time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and an actual editorial calendar unlike the Sausage King, I’m left with salt and complaints about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.

The Unicorn in deep thought, or defecating a national park

This week’s column is hitting inboxes a little later than usual because Mrs. Unicorn and I just got back from spending five days in Redwoods National Park. This week’s column is probably far less salty than expected because I’m feeling pretty relaxed, despite getting floor performances from Baker and Zeke, and once again starting the season with a disappointing loss.


You see, Redwoods NP has ancient and massive trees, beaches that look straight out of The Goonies, and craft beer flows like wine in the surrounding communities. It’s the perfect place to come to peace with bad decisions...and that’s what I did with the Mark Andrews drop. It’s hard to say what made me saltier, the Commish’s incessant #neverforget content, his subsequent attempts to swindle me for top rookie RBs in exchange for TE help, or the eventual drama over Burton not Squirtin on Thursday night, but I spent hours soul searching over my mistake...and I’m letting it go. If this is the thing that FINALLY gets the Commish past his trademark early playoff losses and deep into the playoffs, then I’m happy watching Andrews’ HOF career commence while on his roster (Commissioner's note: I'll take whatever help I can get). As my yoga teacher says, namaste.


You can smell the fear

Speaking of Thursday night, the Trey Burton boondoggle unfolded in dramatic fashion as I was driving in the middle of nowhere with very little cell service, and let me tell you dear reader, it was a roller coaster 30 minutes. First roster alert Burton was inactive - no biggie, lemme just put him into the IR slot and pick up Eifert. HOLY SHIT HE’S NOT GOING INTO THE IR SLOT NOW HE’S LISTED AS DTD COOP SAID HE’S GOING TO OUTBID ME FOR BURTON IF I DROP HIM OMG THERE’S FIVE MINUTES LEFT UNTIL KICKOFF WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO. And then Sweet Sweet Smeet, the most honest and gentle of all you vultures, side chats me that Burton is miraculously now IR eligible. The best part? He did it WHILE POOPING. What a prince.


But no, Thursday night’s roller coaster wasn’t over. Matt Nagy sure looked like the second coming of Vince Fucking Lombardi on the Bears sideline by refusing to give my fantasy crush David Montgomery any touches after proclaiming "he runs really, really hard. He runs violent. He's angry when he runs and he's tough to bring down with that first defender. We like that.” about him during training camp. Seriously man, your team’s offense looked about as flaccid as me thinking about the Second Battle of Man-asses, and you can’t give the rock to your future at RB? Thanks for costing me a win, asshat. At least I rested well knowing the Commish had to watch that embarrassing loss and worry about what he’d going to do with Trubustsky at QB.


Speaking about the Commish, screw him for winning big despite having a bag of balls on his team despite his Big Three and the aforementioned future HOF TE. You seriously started Ito Smith as your second RB and still won? Better hope Andrews pays off because Kallen Ballage isn’t the answer at RB, you just undersold Hockenson, and your franchise QB looks like a bag of burning dog crap.

There's the salt

And on the topic of winning with a crappy team, HOW DID FIL POST 144 POINTS DESPITE GETTING 11 FROM GURLEY AND 15 FROM JULIO? 24 from Ryan, sure. 16 from the Bears Defense, okay. But 22 from the corpse of Delanie Walker? 27(?!?) from Larry Fitzgeriatric’s walker? 15 from your Legatron? Robots are truly taking over the world and AI is going to make all of us obsolete if FIL’s algorithm somehow keeps him relevant.


While it’s irrelevant to this league, I want to end by complaining about Melvin Gordon. You see, his holdout for more money while having NO leverage over the Chargers (unlike the RB who will lead the league in rushing once again and lion heart of my team Zeke Elliot) opened up the door for Austin Ekeler to somehow post the game of all breakout games. Which somehow managed to beat my other league’s week one roster and star-in-the-making Lamar Jackson BY TWO POINTS.


Dammit Gordon, thanks for screwing me up.

Riff Raff

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