• THE COMMISH

Dead Sea's Salty Week Two

Welcome back to the Dead Sea, where the only thing saltier than the water is your faithful columnist. Without time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and an actual editorial calendar unlike the Sausage King, I’m left with salt and complaints about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.

Even though I spent the weekend hiking my ass off in the Sierra Nevadas, this week’s column is on time because I’m salty. Real salty. At lots of people - starting with myself.


GOOD GRIEF DONTE MONCRIEF! What a bastard, giving me zero points in a game expected to be a shootout, facing a weak pass defense, one week after getting 10 targets. Sure, no one could have expected Big Ben to demolish his elbow, and yes, Moncrief had the dropsies in week one (which I guess is to be expected if one dislocates their finger in the preseason). But COME ON, MAN. The worst part of this all is that I put him into my lineup at the last minute Friday before losing cell service all weekend, feeling confident he would at least get me 15 points.


How the Unicorn looks EVERY DAY since he dropped Mark Andrews instead of an injured Trey Burton

And OF COURSE I benched David Montgomery for Moncrief (Commissioner's note: That was dumb). One week after the Bears criminally neglected to give him touches, they decided to give him the vast majority of RB carries including a seemingly endless number of red zone touches to get him his first career TD. And while I couldn’t have predicted Raheem Moestert’s beastly performance, I stupidly listened to four different people who told me I was crazy for considering starting him in my flex spot.


But none of it would have mattered anyway! The league’s best smile absolutely rolled me thanks to 26+ point performances from Wilson, Cook, Ridley, and Sanders. I can’t be salty against La Sonorista because he’s such an all-around good gent, but RIDLEY AND SANDERS?!?! COME ON!


Thinking of Raheem Must-Start leads me to the next dose of Salt, aimed squarely at the league’s best Filipino Knife Fighter. First, damn you for doing your worst poor-man-Commish impression by swindling Garcia to get Chris Godwin for a bag of balls, and for now trying to do the same with fragile-ass Carson Wentz and Matt Breida. Better hope you include some bubble wrap with either of those guys if you trade them away. Second, damn you for continuing to promote Matt Breida as the second coming of Christ. Sure, he’s electric, but Raheem Must-Start got more touches and far more receptions. If Tevin Coleman hadn’t gotten hurt in the first quarter of week one, I’d already be sending Jon a series of trolling Venmo requests for my $50 (Commissioner's note: That's a real douche canoe move).


Meanwhile, OF COURSE Mark gets 42 points out of New England’s defense after being the only other owner to outbid me on waivers. I’m somewhat less salty about this because Dallas gets to abuse Miami in week three, but getting even more points out of the defense than he paid for them is an insane return on investment. AND DAMMIT THOSE POINTS SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON MY ROSTER.


Last but not least, I’m so mad that the Commish is going to move to 2-0 after Mitch TruBUSTsky and Ito Smith once again did nothing, solely because I DROPPED MARK ANDREWS and because he swindled Tyler Boyd away from sweet, sweet, Smeet. Seriously, the rest of his team is absolute hot garbage, and this guy is rolling because of other people’s mistakes. My namaste is completely gone. I hope that the Commish once again flames out in the first round of the playoffs despite starting his season with the Big Three, and despite benefiting from other owner’s dumb mistakes. And if that happens, I am going to laugh laugh laugh my ass off. #neverforget

Riff Raff

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