Commish and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Welcome back to the Dead Sea, where the only thing saltier than the water is your faithful columnist. Without time to do extensive analysis like the Commish, desire to answer random people’s questions like Smeet, and an actual editorial calendar unlike the Sausage King, I’m left with salt and complaints about this league, fellow managers, real-life NFL game outcomes, our racist-ass country, and life in general.

I didn’t start Gardner Minshew on Thursday and now there’s 22 points on my bench and when I got out of bed this morning, I decided to start Darwin over my $50 Duke Johnson acquisition and, by mistake, I told everyone in Boy Chat and they made fun of my decision and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Before the games even started Mark Andrews was doubtful with a foot injury and I had to wait until just before kickoff to find out if he was starting, and I decided to start him over Will Dissly because Andrews is going to be a Hall of Famer, but then Lamar Jackson threw to all his other tight ends except for mine and Mark only had 4.5 points.

WTF Lamar?

I think I’ll move to another league.

In my match-up against Mark Hutchinson, Dak Prescott threw two early touchdowns to Amari Cooper. The Unicorn asked me if that meant Amari was a WR1, too. I said it made him a WR1. I said I still felt good about my team. I said, if I don’t get a big day from Matt Stafford, I am going to be carsick. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

In the Kansas City game, Shady McCoy scored one touchdown and then a second, and Andy Reid said he liked Shady more than Darwin even though I started him.

Tito Galen said Darwin was the new Theo Riddick. Who needs Theo when you have Ito? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Austin Hooper then scored two touchdowns. He said that Matt Ryan liked throwing to him in the red zone and that Andy Dalton hated throwing to Tyler Boyd and that Mark Andrews wasn’t a Hall of Fame tight end.

I hope Mike Evans sits on a tack, I said to Mark Hutchinson. I hope the next time Alvin Kamara catches a pass the ball falls out of his arms and lands in a Seattle player’s arms.

Mike Evans had two touchdown catches in the first quarter and Alvin got a touchdown run and DJ Moore’s quarterback threw him a screen pass that he took to the house for another touchdown catch. Guess whose wide receiver didn’t get a touchdown pass from Deshaun?

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was, because I was losing so badly and the Unicorn asked everyone if they remembered when I produced a video saying I would win every game and then Mike Evans and Alvin Kamara each caught another touchdown pass. Make me a trade and I’ll fix it, said Smeet.

Next week, I said, I’m going to start Duke Johnson.

On my way to losing, a Tampa Bay defender fell on Saquon Barkley’s foot and while we were waiting for Dr. Toby to tell me what was happening in the medical tent, the Unicorn asked FIL if I was okay and maybe to call Mrs. Riff Raff to see and then I started crying because of the injury. Tito Galen said Saquon’s walking boot and crutches were a deadly duo and, while I was punching him in my mind for saying deadly duo, I said it was bath time and scolded everyone for making fun of Saquon and me.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.

So then I watched Alexander Mattison run in a touchdown against the Raiders but he was on my bench. Mark Hutchinson sent a gif of an explosion and said good game. Unicorn said I could have not paid $50 for Duke and started Jeff Wilson Jr. to add 14 points to my weekly total. I didn’t say anything but then the Smeet man sent a Wily E. Coyote gif. They made me feel bad about my team but they can’t make me say I feel bad about my team.

When Saquon’s injury report came it they said up to a month, but I forgot. They also said it could take up to two months, and I was careful to not say anything in Boy Chat. Smeet also said he thought it was incredibly optimistic and Saquon’s season was over, but I think I looked at Wayne Gallman on waivers. FIL said please don’t pick him up anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There were victories by Unicorn and Mark and I hate victories by Unicorn and Mark.

There was a victory by Fredo Maisel on TV and I hate victories by Fredo on TV.

My team was too injured, I got made fun of for my video, my undefeated season went down the drain, and I had to wear my prediction that I would go undefeated. I hate my prediction that I would go undefeated.

When I went to bed Fredo said Mark looked like the favorite and Smeet said it was the power of the logo and the rest of Boy Chat agreed and I bit my tongue.

The league wants to trade with Toby, not with me.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

FIL says some days are like that. Even in other leagues.

Riff Raff

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