Celebrating Tevin: Week Five in Riff Raff Football

Let’s be clear: Your Commish enjoys nothing more than writing weekly recaps of Riff Raff football following a heroic, come from behind victory (ed: who doesn’t like coming from behind?). After two weeks in which GMRRFFA owners buried your award winning Commissioner following superhuman Saquon Barkley’s high ankle sprain, yours truly visited cloud nine with a.3-point victory over disgruntled tenant FIL. Even better, the Commish’s new-found cornucopia of running backs, namely Chris Carson and Tevin Coleman, propelled Trubisky Business to the unlikeliest of victories.

Having said that, only Grandma Riff Raff cares about the victory; my faithful readers are here for the real analysis of what happened in Week Five, and we can’t let the hangover of an upstart upset distract from the insane week in Riff Raff Football.

Historic Reign

Your Commish obviously hates to lead with this, but the Sausage King deserves some recognition this week. First, the reigning champ extended his historic winning streak to ten (dating back to last season), which is all but certain to be eleven next week after he plays the Unicorn, err- Carlos. For a league defined by mediocrity, winning eleven straight is straight up incredible. Even more impressive, after Week Four, the Sausage King became just the second GMRRFFA franchise with 30 career wins, trailing only Mark Hutchinson, who sits at 32 currently.

Couple the streak with his record-setting Week Five, and it gets wild. Thanks to four 30+ point performances, the Sausage King dropped a GMRRFFA record 224.4 points in a beatdown of Team Motley, besting Tito Galen’s 210-point output in 2018. In fact, both CmC and the Eagles Defense outscored Carlos’ entire team last week, and Teddy Bridgewater finished .1 behind.

Your Commish doesn’t believe any team is going undefeated in GMRRFFA but this run of dominance may never be witnessed again. The Sausage King’s average margin of victory is currently 55 points per week. Stabs is second at *just* 31 points. The Sausage King is also averaging an astounding 157.5 points per week versus a league average of 124 (to be fair, Fredo Maisel is averaging 150, which is also pretty impressive).

After Carlos in Week Six, the Sausage King gets GMRRFFA has-been, the Unicorn, before he faces teams that can pose a real test, including Toby Kobach, Fredo Maisel, FIL, Stabs, and Smeet in Weeks 8-12.

Lost in the Shuffle

Speaking of second fiddle, Stabs finds himself as the forgotten undefeated team in GMRRFFA, quietly posting five comfortable wins. The combined record of his first five opponents is a paltry 9-16. Nonetheless, A-Rob led his squad with 28 points in London as the undefeated Stabs easily dispatched a less-than-worthy adversary (see below). Before you get too excited, please remember Stabs hasn’t faced an opponent that dropped more than 110 points all season against his team and has exceeded the league average in scoring just three times. He’s fortunate to have a placemat for an opponent this week, so 6-0 seems HIGHLY likely, and he’s one step closer to the postseason, but he should be wary of the undefeated mark.

Its Smeet Week

He may be a Twitter fan favorite, but we cannot ignore what’s happening at Smeet’s local bagel shop. Ahead of 2019, Smeet was a big spender in GMRRFFA, keeping the endangered species OBJ, Keenan Allen (the #1 wide receiver weeks one through three), and Bengals stud Tyler Boyd. Welp, Smeet paid the Commish to take Tyler Boyd and OBJ is longing for the Days of Eli. Smeet’s technically 3-2, but his performance the last two weeks MUST be concerning, where he dropped 102 points in back-to-back weeks (including against Carlos, so that’s a win at least). Our off-season co-MVP, GMRRFFA minority owner, and co-founder is currently averaging just 123 points, or 8th best in the league.

Given his lack of scoring, Smeet should be concerned; he has a pivotal match-up against his cuddle bear, Mark Hutchinson in a “will they or won’t they score - 100 points this week” drama that will keep Riff Raff fans riveted. To make matters worse, for an owner with scores of RB1s that he dangled out to the Commish earlier this season, Smeet’s starting Miles Sanders (who has been demoted behind Jordan Howard) and either Josh Jacobs, Marlon Mack, or Kareem Hunt (My favorite game - “Bye Bye Suspended!”). By the time you read this, your Commish is certain Smeet will bid all $49 remaining in his free agent budget on whomever the Giants’ third string running back is. That said, just remember, for an owner desperate for points and a W, Smeet is likely starting a guy you only knew after you googled the Giants depth chart.

Close Calls

In a league where 6-7 wins clinches the playoffs, Week Five may come back to bite both FIL and Mark Hutchinson at the end of the season. Your Commish highlighted the .3-point victory he had over his favorite FIL, despite Tampa’s defense posting a negative seven and Joey Slye missing an extra point (#KickersMatter).

Meanwhile, for Mark’s match-up against the Nicest Smile in GMRRFFA, Coop held on for a 1.4-point victory, largely due to overrated Dak Prescott tossing out INTs like paper towels at a hurricane evacuation center (too soon?). Dak threw three interceptions on Sunday costing Mark a win, including a fourth quarter pick, though two of the three picks were not Dak’s fault, according to resident Cowboy troll Toby Kobach.

Compared to FIL, Mark’s loss probably isn’t as catastrophic as the Dornish CPA still has Tito Galen, Carlos and the Unicorn on his schedule (combined 1-14). Even with a favorable schedule and just one week after taking over the Infinity Stones Division, Mark finds himself 3-2 with four other teams within a game of the lead.

Kidney Division Supremacy

If the playoffs started today, six teams would come from the Kidney Stone Division, which is nothing short of lights-out through five weeks. Given the schedule mostly holds inter-division match-ups early in the season, the dominance is extremely clear in head-to-head records. Through five weeks, the Kidney Stone Division holds a 19-6 record over the Infinity Stone Division. Remove Carlos and Tito Galen (both 0-5), and the record is still 12-6.

Records aside, the Kidney Division boasts six of the top eight scoring teams in the league as well, so it’s incredibly impressive, especially knowing the top six teams in the division will face off literally every single week for the remainder of the season.

Monster Weeks

Week Five was the first time five position players or more scored 40+ points in a PPR fantasy setting since 1950! Obviously, our grandparents and FIL didn’t play fantasy back then as computer algorithms were nonexistent, but you get the point. Your illustrious Commish already highlighted some incredible performances this week, but let’s recap some of the notable best individual (or team) performances of the week:

  • Will Fuller - 57 points

  • Deshaun Watson - 55 points

  • Aaron Jones - 51 points

  • Christian McCaffrey - 49 points

  • Amari Cooper - 42 points

  • Michael Thomas - 42 points

  • Eagles Defense - 41 points

  • DJ Chark - 38 points

  • Denver ponyboys - 37 points

  • Teddy Bridgewater - 37 points

  • Adam Thielen - 34 points

There’s really no explanation for Carlos’ abysmal performance, one where ten players outscored Carlos’ entire team for the week. It’s unprecedented and a very, very, very stark reminder about the perils of drafting with just $32 dollars (ed: I guess $38 is the cutoff to legitimacy?). In any case, let’s just leave it there and…

Tasty Week Six-Pack

This week ahead is going to be bananas - five wild match-ups with serious playoff implications ahead plus two throwaways (Sausage King vs. Carlos and the Unicorn vs. Tito Galen). Let’s rank the match-ups for Week Six based on nothing but my personal level of excitement for the outcomes, leaving actual analytics aside for a few moments:

5. Stabs (5-0) vs. the Commish (3-2)

Let’s be clear that my luck expired on Monday night with Tevin Coleman’s miraculous game. Facing an undefeated team with Patty Mahomes and the Chubb has effectively left me parayized in fear for the remainder of the week, so let’s move on...

4. FIL (2-3) vs. Makese (2-3)

This one is essentially a race to keep up. Neither FIL or Makese is going to move up the standings with a win, but a loss could be a huge setback in a nine-team race for six playoff spots.

3. Coop (3-2) vs. Garcia (2-3)

This one is just a complete mystery for your Commish in that both teams could drop 88 points or 145, neither of which would be surprising. Coop’s squad remains impressive, even if I can’t pinpoint exactly how aside from Dalvin Cook. For Garcia, he’s 2-3, but his roster changes more frequently than Duke Johnson in GMRRFFA. So again, your Commish has no idea what to expect, but a Coop W would be his third straight before the easy stretch of his schedule in Weeks Seven and Eight (you guessed it, Carlos is looming).

2. Fredo Maisel (3-2) vs. Toby Kobach (3-2)

“Wildly confident in fantasy football” Fredo is a really fun version of Fredo; he throws a ton of jabs in Boy Chat and he’s no longer the league-wide punching bag week to week (now reserved for the Unicorn and Carlos). Prior to the season starting, if I had informed him he was the second highest scoring team with a 3-2 record, squarely in the hunt for an elusive playoff spot, Fredo would be stoked. That said, after 30 years of friendship/dominance, your Commish knows better and Fredo’s anxious that any potential setback in any given week would doom his playoff aspirations. Meanwhile, what can you say about Toby Kobach, the same guy who had the cajones to start Corey Davis and Cody Lattimer against your Commish in Week Five (and WIN), then gave himself a concussion next week exploring spider nests in his apartment vents (see right)? I love this guy and am rooting for him until he starts talking about how good the Cowboys are, then I’m out.

1. Smeet (3-2) vs. Mark Hutchinson (3-2)

Imagine if Romeo and Juliet were in an intense fantasy football league and facing off when they both had disappointing previous weeks while Juliet is straight up sweating a diabolical running back situation where there are literally zero good options available? That’s Smeet (Juliet) and Mark. It’s going to be great until they make Boy Chat awkward with quasi-inappropriate innuendos galore…

Given we are nearly halfway through the season, week six will be a blockbuster, and your Commish couldn’t be more excited. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m properly assessing the trade values of Coleman and Ito Smith ahead of intense trade negotiations with owners lacking viable running back options. How the tables have turned...

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