A View from the GMRRFFA Champions Locker Room
At Riff Raff Football, we welcome creative and highly-motivated owners producing original content. To that end, we welcome Mark Hutchinson, 2016 GMRRFFA champ and Dornish CPA, back to the fold to offer his predictions for the upcoming 2019 season, even though the league doesn’t draft until Monday…
Draft prep is alive and well here in the GMRRFFA Champions Locker Room. That’s right! We have one! The Sausage King quickly adapted to his new surroundings and added a vibe to the room that can only be described as “real.” (Commissioner’s note: Nice, the SK is adding value somewhere) The Unicorn is also here and has us wondering what is really going on inside a Level Three vegan (ed: lots of healthy poops).
To the uninitiated, you may think we walk around pounding our chests, boasting of victories past. I can report a completely different reality. You see, once you have experienced the vomit-inducing, torturous, pucker-fest that is the GMRRFFA postseason and emerged victorious, and are around others who have known that same victory sphincter, you carry yourself with a quiet calm. I know that this all sounds terribly exciting, an ultra-exclusive club in a secret location which eleven GMRRFFA owners have only now learned exists.
That’s exactly why I’m happy to announce that, in addition to our mega-money championship belt, the road to gaining access to the most elite club in all of fantasy football begins Monday! And yes, while all of the current members will most certainly aim to keep this club strictly a threesome, the implementation of future dollar trades starting in 2018, the quickly floundering situation with the Dallas Cowboys, and the fact that no one has yet won this championship twice, means odds are in favor that we will welcome a new member.
Good luck, you bastards.
(Commissioner’s note: This is the point where Mr. Hutchinson immediately jumps into his 2019 season predictions for each team without any transition let alone full rosters following next week’s draft - brace yourself.)
LB6 or Bust
FIL and Carlos
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL (Commissioner’s note: Copy editor, please spell check.) (ed: it’s an appropriate number of “lol”s)
What in the hell are the Morabitos going to do with less than $40 each in the draft?! You know when you’re sitting in the bathroom playing Candy Crush for four or five games too long and someone yells up and says it's dinner time? (Yeah you do.) You quickly stand up and - shit - your legs are asleep. You’re forced to stand there like a dope on dead feet while everyone gets the best slices of pizza. That’s what it’s going to be like waiting on the one and two dollar players to come along in the draft for FIL and Carlos.
DON’T DRAFT ANYMORE COWBOYS! Or do, I don't know. They can't all get hurt or go to Mexico. Someone will be playing on Sundays. The misomaniac (ed: now THAT’S the kind of writing that separates you from the Commish) of the league is starting this season off with a tablespoon of trouble, but this season is not lost. The Unicorn has a respectable starting draft budget and can easily put together a solid team around Baker. What could go wrong?! What are the chances of another of his players contracting another rare disease?
Alshon Jeffery. Every time I’ve looked over this year’s player data, I pause at Alshon. I forget him every time even though I’m a big fan. That’s how I am with Coop’s keepers. One of my favorite groups from all you bums but I’ve had to look back at the sheet three times just typing this. Weird.
The Sausage King
Defending champ alert! At the beginning of last season, I picked Killmonger to come in dead last. I don't think that he finishes last (ed: has he ever “finished last” in his life?) this season but I refuse to believe he can pair the same good fortune with the same brilliant trade deftness. Fret not though sweet prince, direct your eyes to the sky.
Toby Kobach, M.D.
I knew I should've pressed postoperative-and-in-a-haze Toby more about Juju. I pulled my punch and that's a damn shame. That’s okay we’ll always have Baldwin.
What a ride for the victor of the 2018 inaugural LB6. What will he do with all that draft money? Oh, right. Even if he spent most of the LB6 winnings on two keepers, he still comfortably has the second-most draft money, leaving plenty of room to maneuver. Fredo’s situation reminds me of Japan in the classic Tom Clancy novel Debt of Honor; in the masterful geopolitical thriller, the USA is under a severe economic threat from Japan. The U.S., through a little bit of trickery, is able to knock Japan back down to its place as an average country and dispatches them in short order. (Commissioner’s note: While quasi-belligerent, this is a fantastic subtle dig at Fredo’s whining about Tom Clancy novels in GMRRFFA Boy Chat)
Remember when the trailers for the Star Wars prequels came out? Everyone was so hyped. Like everyone else, I said to my brother “Hey, Lucas stole my double lightsaber idea!” Commish is Darth Maul; terrific until you see what actually happens. Good news though, robot legs are the parting gift for a first round exit.
One through line connects all three of our previous champions: The ability to make severe personnel transactions during the season. The Sausage King made moves that many would consider reckless last year. Can Tito Galen throw caution to the wind and risk getting pantsed in front of the league? I hope that our congress during the off season got him gushing into a new reality because I fear his off season moves are going to resign him to permanent also-ran status.
Hunting for the Title
Garcia won the off season hands down (Commissioner’s note: Hold my beer). He is primed with a nice budget and three very good, very cheap keepers. He is truly only a couple of studs away from retaining his Purveyor of Death status and leaving the league covered in croc treads on the way to the title. We should be way worried - this motherfucker actually hacked MFL to mess with the draft settings in this dumb OL we were in. Which reminds me: Fuck you @JPeekFF
Prediction: 4th place
Mahomes and Chubb. My boys. Owning the two of them last year was an absolute thrill and even though it was the correct move to part ways, I will regret their departure all season. It’s for the best though, i just know that Stabs will take Chubb reactions to new, ever swelling heights. Cohen sucks though. Can't defend that one.
Prediction: 3rd Place
Deputy Commissioner Smeet made a series of good and bad decisions over the off season. However, one thing he absolutely got right is becoming the clear big stack in this draft. His advantage is undeniable and the only question is can he rise to the occasion and be the Caesar at this bacchanalia? I say “Yes.” Smeet will dominate this draft and afterwards it will wincingly be referred to as the “3rd Battle of Manassas: The One Where Everyone Came but Nobody Won.”
Prediction: Second Place
Makese, you sneaky fuck. For the entire offseason trading window, I just assumed you had some bizarre fetish that involved Eagles players on the ESPN app. Then, I wake up at noon on keeper day (Commissioner’s note: Keeper day was a Monday; what happened to your wife, kids, and job?) and you have a great set of keepers with terrific value. I’m going to start prepping the locker next to the Unicorn.
Good luck everyone. I can't wait to be completely wrong!
Commissioner’s note: Our guest columnist neglected to mention that he picked eight playoff teams and only five LB6 competitors, meaning he anticipates finishing out of the playoffs.