A Solemn Week 3 in Riff Raff Football
Is there anything worse than attending a funeral? Unfortunately, Riff Raff Footballl sadly saw the end of a dream in week three. Alas, the show must go on and, beyond the media hoopla and a children's book spinoff, week three in GMRRFFA proved electric, with two undefeated squads remaining and two desperate winless teams (ok, in actuality, just one). In any case, a solemn recap awaits the dozens of fans clamoring for a response from the Commish...
The Elephant in the Room
“Is a dream a lie, if it don’t come true - or is it something worse?” - Bruce Springsteen
He’s right, you know? In Springsteen’s immortal The River, he posited that question built on unfulfilled dreams, apropos in GMRRFFA. In a world built on holding back those with ideas greater than the status quo, your award-winning Commish dreamt bigger, shaking off the shackles of bygone years to assemble the first super team, and as GMRRFFA’s own Dr. Seuss so callously mentioned in his column yesterday, some schmuck from Tampa dashed those dreams in one malicious incident of unnecessary violence (to be clear, your Commish never saw the play - I’m just guessing).
In one moment, Riff Raff fans’ dreams vanished into the air. Now, your Commish will act like he doesn’t remember, Riff Raff fans will act like they don’t care. Memories of Saquon come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse.. If your illustrious Commish could, I’d pull Saquon close just to feel each breath he takes…
There is no rebounding from unfulfilled dreams, vanquished on a warm September Sunday while the remnants of my squad were put down faster than another Dead Sea column about yours truly. There is no recovery, just disappointment.
Let’s just move on…
Mark Hutchinson Goes HAM
Lost in the Commish’s untimely heinous week, Mark Hutchinson dropped a season-high 180 points this week, easily outpacing the league’s previous weekly scoring high for points by 16. In fact, Mike Evans just scored again. Outside of a dismal (and random) Week 1, where the Dornish CPA dropped just 96 points, he’s averaging an astounding 35+ points above the league average. Your Commish would like to suggest it’s due to Dak Prescott averaging 35 points per week, but then we disregard Alvin Kamara doing Kamara things (22 points per week) or the New England Defense, which allowed just FIVE points (one field goal, two extra points) through three games while averaging 26 points per week, eight points higher per game than the next defense… Mark still has concerns, namely OJ Howard, but if Evans stays relevant and DJ Moore gets more than two targets from newly-crowned GOAT Kyle Allen, the Dornish will be formidable.
Smeet and the Sausage King Survive
Two of the GMRRFFA heavyweights were tested in Week Three, notably the Sausage King who held on by nine points against the League’s Nicest Smile to remain undefeated. The reigning champ extended his historic winning streak to eight, dating all the way back to a 2018 Week 11 loss to Tito Galen. That didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous, with Coop starting the Prince George’s County football team kicker Monday night. Dustin Hopkins only dropped three points, but he did miss a 43-yard field goal (four points) while PG’s football team went for two instead of an extra point (one point), not to mention two turnovers in Chicago territory. Just saying it could have been much closer.
Meanwhile, Smeet enjoyed a near-thirty point advantage against the suddenly-hilarious-in-Boy-Chat FIL before the Bears’ defense played. Smeet survived but not by much, hanging on to a 2.3 point victory. Ironically, Hopkins’ missed field goal almost proved decisive, as did two separate sacks (one leading to a Bears fumble recovery) that were called back for Bears penalties. Smeet’s a very fortunate 2-1 today. (In the case for why kickers matter, FIL’s Greg Zuerlein actually bested Smeet’s Brett Maher, 10-7).
Stabs Stays Perfect
As quietly as he broke the news of having a baby, Stabs is one of two undefeated teams atop GMRRFFA, besting Toby Kobach’s depleted roster in week three, thanks in large to Patty Mahomes’ 35 points and Brandin Cooks dropping 22 points. The worst person to trade with should be happy with three early season wins, but let’s be clear that we’ve seen this before… last year, Makese raced to a 5-0 start despite struggling to score points. While he made the postseason, Makese simply couldn’t stack up against the eventual champ, the Sausage King, in the first round. In 2019, Stabs should be worried too. He ranks ninth in scoring, BUT his opponents week-to-week have scored the fewest points of any collection of opponents, averaging under 105 points per week. It’s early, but to be clear the undefeated mark is probably misleading. He faces his GMRRFFA doppleganger not named Spina who thinks he’s legit all of a sudden legit, the Unicorn, this week, so it could be an interesting Week Four. (ed: I’m just trying to play the game here)
The Unicorn Breaks Tradition
Fresh off his feeble attempts at being a children’s author, the Unicorn is in uncharted territory. For the first time since 2016, the former champ actually won an early season match-up. In both 2017 and 2018, the Unicorn started 0-3 with very different end results. In 2017, he ultimately won 11 of his final 13 match-ups to win a title; in 2018, he dropped a turd sammie in the LB6 and exclaimed the Gus Bus was a legit keeper in the off-season.
This week, there was probably zero doubt the Unicorn would win against Carlos, who may have had the worst fantasy football team in history had he not started making trades, but it was an emphatic victory where the Dr. Seuss of GMRRFFA posted the second highest point total of the young season, thanks to Amari Cooper, Tyler Lockett, and Darren Waller (ed: I was like 16-year old Smeet watching those games). Phew, a good week for sure. Even the Unicorn’s bench was lit, outscoring Carlos’ starters by .3 points. For a team that struggled to approach triple digits in weeks one and two, the Unicorn now faces off with 3-0 Stabs and then Fredo Maisel, the league’s best-scoring team through three weeks, so his mettle will be certainly be tested.
What Zero Wins Means Now
To be honest, not much. We highlighted above that an 0-3 Unicorn won a title in 2017, but that’s rare. In 2017, both Toby and Fredo also started 0-3 and didn’t sniff the playoffs. Last season, Smeet and the Unicorn started 0-3, and neither made the top eight. This year, we’ve got two winless squads, Carlos and a somewhat shocking Tito Galen. Considering Carlos isn’t making the playoffs, let’s guess one 0-3 team out of the six over the last three seasons (not including Tito Galen this year) made the playoffs.
Is Tito Galen in serious trouble? Yes. Is his season over? Not yet. If there’s such a thing as an easy schedule in GMRRFFA where Carlos isn’t your next opponent, this is it for Tito Galen. He faces the Smile, Toby Kobach, the Unicorn, and Makese - four teams that have been all over the place in scoring in the early portion of the season. A slip up or two in those four match-ups, and the season is likely over. Meanwhile, in the second half of the season, Tito Galen’s final six match-ups have a combined 11-8 record, which doesn’t seem impressive until you consider 0-3 Carlos is included.
Several teams need wins (see above), but notably the Commish is desperate against Toby Kobach, who loves hearing the word “desperate” in any conversation. Meanwhile, we get a rematch of the 2018 championship, with the Sausage King (3-0) versus Garcia (1-2). Records are deceiving, as the teams are just two points apart in total scoring through three weeks this season. Also, FIL and Mark Hutchinson are going head-to-head, tied currently for the Infinity Stones Division lead. Considering the division has five teams under .500, getting to 3-1 would be huge for the winner (plus tie breakers).
Good luck to all you scrubs this week. Your Commish is going to go refresh Saquon Barkley’s Twitter handle to see if he miraculously recovers ahead of week four…